'Just Musing' thought in middle of the week

"It takes strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable"

'Just Musing' thought of the week

"I am struck by the difference in meaning-
 between 'well people' and 'well-meaning' people..."

To Mourn the Living

This week we are coming up to the first Yartzheit of my father-in-law, Zatzal. The year was a hard one, and milestones are particularly poignant. It is as if a force beyond our control causes us to reflect.

I remember the phone call I got a little more that a year ago informing me that my father-in-law collapsed. My husband and his siblings flew out to be with him during his final days. It was five days of uncertainty. The question wasn't if he will recover but rather when it will be over. On that fateful Monday, his numbers started going down. My husband got a haircut and took a shower in anticipation of what was upcoming. Late afternoon the family gathered in his hospital room, and watched his blood pressure steadily decline. They said Vidui and Shma with him. All the numbers dropped to zero. The family tore Kriah. He was gone.

The truth is we really lost him a year before that. My kind, wonderful, and wise, oh so wise, father-in-law suffered from Alzheimer's during that time. He looked the same, always neat and put together, his smile was still there when he greeted you effusively, as he always did. But he wasn't there.

It is always hard to compare emotional pain. But there was a certain aspect of this year which, dare I say, was easier than the last year that he was alive. Death, particularly of someone we loved so much, is heartbreaking. But it was almost as if we have permission to grieve now. We are allowed, so to speak, to mourn our loss. It was harder to process our emotions when he was alive. How can we miss him, if he is still here? Compounding the difficulty were the teasing moments when he was lucid. They were far and few in between. Not enough to have him back, but enough to have us struggle with feelings of guilt for the sadness we felt.

His Yartzheit is coming up and the year of Aveilus will end. It's not easy. My husband will be allowed to go to Simchos again. It doesn't feel like a relief. He doesn't have a father anymore. There is a void in his heart forever. But the healing is gradual, albeit subtle and also painful. Time has it's way of slowly dulling the intensity of the loss. Bit by bit, the period that we can hold on to the acceptance that he is no longer with us is stretching longer There are still the times the pain resurfaces acutely, such as by milestones that we wish he could be here to share with us. And we feel surprised at the ability we have that allows the reprieve to return, the pain less piercing, the ability to move on.

This all comes to mind when I struggle to come to terms with the loss I have to contend with. The loss of my family, may they all live and be well. I've come to the realization, after many, many years of trying to get them to understand, that they won't. Not that they aren't capable. They are a highly intelligent bunch, for the most part. They don't want to deal with the reality. They don't want to come to terms with how devastating it really is. They don't want to put in the work, they don't want to feel the horrific pain. They won't allow themselves to understand what I went though, what I continue to go through, and how they too are really affected. They rather just leave it as my 'issue' alone, they want to have no part.

I lost them all, but they are still here. The illusionary affect is so hard to process and come to terms with. How can I accept a loss that is not a loss? They really can change. They really can get it. And they really won't change. The realization brings tremendous pain and unfathomable anger towards them. But it feels never ending. How can you mourn a continuous death that really isn't dead? The grieving process seemingly never ends because I can't achieve the closure that acceptance necessitates.

I am in no way belittling my husband's pain and loss. And I am also not belittling mine. As hopeful as I feel that my husband can eventually and slowly put his life back together again, I don't share the same sentiments about myself. Alas; the living weren't meant to be mourned.

'Just Musing' thought of the week

When people I speak to seriously don't get the traumatic affects of molestation so many years later, I feel like telling them "I wish the same on you, and then you will understand."

But I really don't.

Instead I bentch them with my whole heart and soul that they should be Zocheh to always be so naive and stupid.

NEGIUS def. Turning highly intelligent people into brainless brick walls

Recently I had the opportunity to spend Shabbos with my family. As my fate has it, it is also the family of the one who abused me. Yup, I have been molested, again and again, by my very own brother. I don't believe the English language has words to describe the painful state of affairs involved in such a situation. Complicated? Complex? Way too trite. Unfortunate? Horrific? Sounds lame, at best. There is nothing that can do justice to describe the gut wrenching and crushing situation I find myself in. The least I can do is to dispel the myths associated with this situation.

• You can't be on both sides. This is actually is a myth inside a myth. Firstly, there are no two sides to the story. Period. Secondly, we may be two siblings, we share a family. We are two children, we share the same parents. One of us is horrifically wrong and one is horrifically punished for being right. By my family being there for both of us, they are siding with one person only, and that is the molester in the family.  
• Abusers aren't ‘otherwise ehrlich and healthy’. Someone who molests young kids repeatedly is incredibly sick. Even if his garb likens to that of a Rabbi. Even if he can expound on a deep Torah thought. And even if he can shuckle devoutly and appropriately by Shmoneh Esrei. Only if you would be comforted by a doctor saying “The patient is on a respirator and in a coma, but besides for that he is okay” can you feel confident with the description of someone that “molested his sister recurrently but Baruch Hashem he is fine now”. Both statements are equally nonsensical.
•  He will not ‘ruin the family reputation’ were they to demand of him to take responsibility for his actions. The family is ruining their own name by not mandating justice. True he shares the same surname as his parents and brothers, and that might feel like a reason to deny what he did in order to protect themselves. But make no mistake; he certainly does not have his family’s best interest in mind. He cares about one thing, like he always did, and that is to fulfill his corrupt and selfish needs and desires. Eventually he will spiral out of control and be exposed for his wrongdoings. And by then it will be too late. The family will be defined by and associated with him, because they did nothing to stand up against him.
•  The same manipulation he used on me to fulfill his sick perverted desires, he is using on the family to protect himself. Sometimes he will look real devout and talk of feelings of remorse, other times he will act out in rage. Sometimes he will point out how his wife and children will suffer, other times he will threaten to harm himself. The family can’t stand up to his manipulative behavior. They can’t see through his lies. They take him seriously, and fall for him every time.
•  I am not the one who is causing the family to suffer. I did not make the horrific mess, he did. He should be obligated to clean it up by owning up to his actions. It is not my responsibility to keep his secret, and when he is exposed, it is not I who caused harm to the family. He wreaked the havoc, not I. He is at fault; he is to blame. It has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me.

In closing, I’d like to end with one more myth.

• A person can only die once. Being the target for misplaced blame and anger; being falsely accused and invalidated by those nearest and dearest to you, will kill a human being again and again and again.

Inappropriate Humor

When I was a kid, I heard about a speech at a Sheva Brochos. The speaker based his speech on the first Possuk in Parshas Ki Setzei. He said that it says, V’Hayah Ki Setzei L’Milchama. He asked on this, V’Hayah is always used as a Loshon of Simchah. What Simchah is there B’Inyanei Milchama?

The rest of his (ten minutes long!) speech focused around the brilliance of the Chassan. Because the Chassan understood and appreciated war tactics; war plans and strategies actually brought him Simchah. (This was around the time of the Persian Gulf War. I guess I am dating myself a little here). The speaker brought appropriate proofs, theories, and jokes. He concluded his speech with the usual ‘Zocheh to build a Bayis Neeman B’Yisrael’ and added that it can only be accomplished through Sholom and not fighting, and that will bring true Simchah.

He sat down, amidst applause and Shkoyachs, and then stood up again. “Rabboisai,” he said. “I was thinking that there is a one small Nekudah that you can use to shlug up my vort. And that is, l’maaseh the Possuk doesn’t have the word V’Hayah in it…”

------

Being molested by a frum pedophile is complicated. (By the way the term ‘frum pedophile’ is a complete oxymoron. If he is a pedophile, he ain’t frum, regardless of his garb or synagogue association. But I digress.) It is complicated because of the community’s understanding of what the Chillul Hashem is in the situation. They seem to think that it means that goyim should not find out that such a concept exists by frum Yidden. And so, based on that belief, to be Mekadesh Shem Shamayim in this situation would be to make sure that no goy or newspaper ever finds out about it. This would mean to take care of the problem ‘internally’.

Now, as we all know, whether we would like to admit it in words or not, the frum community does not have the capabilities to deal with molesters. Fact is no pedophile can be stopped without law enforcement involved. Even in the unlikely situation that a predator is willing to go to therapy for help, he is still not cured. He still needs to be monitored and kept away from children. We don’t have a tracking system to put this in place. And we certainly don’t have the capacity to impose a consequence when he violates his rules. What penalty can be given and upheld without involving the police? And if we go to the police, then we are making a Chillul Hashem.

This seems like a really complicated situation. But the real issue here is that the basic premise on which all this is built on is false! Not that we are allowed to make a Chillul Hashem. Of course not! But rather what the Chillul Hashem really is. That is where the fault lies.

The Chillul Hashem in the situation is not the publicity it would entail to expose molesters. It is the fact that a religious looking predator is molesting children! That is a disgrace to G-d’s name. How can we rectify that? By showing that we have zero tolerance for such despicable behavior. He has to be punished for his actions. And only that can be mekadesh Shem Shamayim. The publicity that may come out of putting a pedophile where he belongs isn’t tarnishing Hashem’s Kovod. In fact it is the opposite. It shows that we protect Hashem’s honor by taking care of His tayere children.

But herein lies the issue. Whose Kovod is being tarnished? Maybe the Kovod of the Rav of the Shul where he davens. How can he have such a lowlife as part of his congregation? It certainly doesn’t reflect well on him. Or the Rosh Yeshiva of the Yeshiva he associates himself with. Wouldn’t say much about his institution, would it? What about the Chassidus or the community that the predator comes from? How would they look if he would be exposed?

These are indeed painful truths. But instead of realizing that a predator need not define them if they react and act appropriately, they change only one small Nekudah in the reality of the situation. They substitute ‘Hashem’ for their own name. And then go on a rampage of the ‘Chillul Hashem’ that would come from making it public…

-------

To build a whole Sheva Brochos speech on  shtusim? That is acceptable and can even elicit a chuckle. But there is absolutely nothing remotely funny or humorous about paskening matters of life and death based on misrepresentations and misinterpretations.

Let us stop protecting our self images, our community reputations, our pedophiles.

Asei L’maan Tinokos Shel Beis Rabban.

Enough is enough.

The time has come to be Mekadesh Shem Shamayaim.

'Just Musing' thought in middle of the week

"The money that couldn't be found for his therapy will surface instantly when he will need a defense lawyer."

'Just Musing' thought of the week

For all those who think that we are completely influenced by the Goyim, fret not! 

We have a long way to go!

A child molester in prison needs a cell with security, because even lowlife prisoners know what they did was unacceptable and may kill him. 

But us? We show utter respect to these people and treat them in the highest regard!

Mavdil Min Hatoyim. Indeed.

Wishful Thinking

    Just the other day, a genie approached me and granted me three wishes. It was my chance to ask for unlimited money and Kochos to help all poor people and Yeshivos in Klal Yisroel. A third wish to be used for all Tinokos Shel Bais Rabban to go B’derech Hayashar and become true Ovdei Hashem. So many wonderful possibilities to help my fellow Yidden. But he caught me in a bad time. I was feeling fully enraged and revengeful. I was in a really foul mood.

Before I publicize my wishes, I want to make a disclaimer. Anyone who doesn’t want to Chas V’shalom read anything that comes from a place of bad Middos (Lo Aleinu) should stop reading right here and pick up on this blog next week for a new post. This article is not for you.
   

 Almost automatically, I was transported to the place I just can’t seem to get out of, no matter how hard I try. My mind was flooded again with the thoughts of what that guy did when he used me. Suddenly I was fed up. I had enough of this. I decided this is what I was going to act upon and use my wishes for.

   I believe were I to ask a Shailah, I would have been advised that in the grand scheme of things of what can be accomplished with this wonderful opportunity, wouldn’t this be a waste? Besides, wouldn't the Schar of being Maaver Al Midosai, of putting my own stance aside to help others, be a more genuine feeling of accomplishment? One that would not be fleeting? I’m sure I would have agreed, but at the moment I was feeling too selfish to care.
   

 The genie told me to take my time to think it over. This was a rare, one time occurrence and should definitely be used in a wise and thought out manner. I’m sure subconsciously I agreed with him, but my impulsivity took over. (Another bad Middah that Yiddishkeit-sensitive people shouldn’t be reading about.) I so desperately wanted to do something to end the misery I was feeling. And even if it meant to blow a lifetime opportunity, so be it.

    I quickly told him I was ready when he was. Okay, he said. Shoot. 

“Well” I cleared my throat, “here is the list.

1. Anytime Oisoi Ha’Ish gets called up to an Aliya L’Torah, it should be with his full title.” I could sense the confusion, so I hurried to clarify. “Y’know, the Gabbai will call him up as ‘Yaamod Harav Hamenuval… ben….’
2. Whenever he leaves his house, he will be obligated to wear a patch on his outermost garment. Bold readable letters should be printed on it stating: I MOLESTED A CHILD.
3. I want to steal from him. To take revenge from what he robbed from me. It’s not his money that I want. I won’t take a cent from that immoral, depraved, filthy, and selfish being. But I want everyone to see who he really is, because I know. I saw him in his true essence one time too many. And even one time would be too many, yet he still didn’t stop there. So I want to
confiscate every single pair of pants and underwear that he owns. This way he can’t cover up what his real animalistic desires are and fool everyone with his devout looking, (and absolutely superfluous) Hasidic garb.”

    The genie scribbled down the rest of my words and told me that it can take up to 24 hours to process my request and he was on his way. It was a big shame that my alarm clock rang before he had a chance to even come back…

So that’s it, folks. My dream of exposing him was over. Gone in the way of so many other crumbled dreams in the past. Now all I am left with is the unjustified responsibility of protecting a guy that doesn’t deserve protection. Not from his family, not from his community and certainly not from me.

What a bummer.

'Just Musing' thought in middle of the week

The difference between a competent therapist and a caring friend is as follows:

When you mention "I'm hurting inside" with a soft smile on your face,

a friend will see and admire the strength of your smile 

whereas

a  therapist will hear and appreciate the strongness of your pain.

'Just Musing' thought of the week

"I used to think that being molested defined me. I know now that it doesn't. It does however affect every single aspect of my life."

Kidney,anyone?

Simanei Yisrael ….. Rachmanim, Gomlei Chasadim. Yidden are special. The connection we feel with one another and the caring that is shown towards each other is indescribable. There are no other people in the world like us.

From the businessman who was audited because the amount of money he reported that he gave to charity (the IRS thought it was fraud) to the organizations. And what organizations! For sick people, there is Hatzala and Bikur Cholim, and all the organizations to help people with cancer R’L and other terminal illnesses. For poor people, there is Tomchei Shabbos, and organizations to help with Brissim, Bar Mitzvas, Chasunos, and Levayos.

 And then there are communities with Chaveirim and Shomrim, and free loan Gemachim. Gemachim! That would require an article all by itself. Lists and lists in every Frum community. From gowns for your simcha, to clowns that make others B’simcha, from tangible goods to intangible services, it can boggle the mind how virtually no area has been left out. If there is a need, there is a gemach to help.

The concepts for each one are all so different but there is one common denominator that unites each and every organization and Gemach. That is the Yiddishe Hartz, and the genuine desire to give. Mi K’amchah Yisrael!

I was thinking about this the other day. With the launching of ObamaCare, health insurance has become a rising concern. We are all equally befuddled on what the advantages are of the mandatory government insurance. But one thing we are very clear on, the rising costs that are coming out of our pockets. And the fine print about what each policy doesn’t cover anymore is equally disconcerting. And I was wondering how can I, a concerned member of Klal Yisrael, help my fellow brethren?

Thus the idea of a novel service, an innovative Gemach, was born. I am offering to do any surgery that someone would need (and I hope you should never need it Chas V’Shalom) right here in my home. I will do anything, from pulling a tooth, or setting a broken bone, even putting in a stent to unclog a valve of the heart. I won’t charge for my services and no job will be too big or too small. It will be a pure Chessed to help those in need.

You might be baffled on how I can do something like this. But think about it for a second, I never went to medical school, so I don’t have any tuition debt that I have to pay up. A kitchen knife, a standard hammer, and a utility scissors-I have those tools in my house already. I don’t have to invest in any expensive medical equipment. I have no overhead costs to cover; it won’t cost me a cent. That is how I plan on committing to such a huge undertaking and passing it on free of charge.

One disclaimer I will issue; I don’t know the difference between the stomach and liver. I know a heart has four valves, but I've never seen a real one. In fact, I’ve actually never seen any organ that is inside the human body. But I do have one thing going for me. I want to help people and I really mean well. Fatal risks involved? Likely. But I can assure you that there will be no 'arois gevarfena gelt. involved, whatsoever.

Now obviously I made up this whole ridiculous story to prove a point, and here it is.

There are many people around; sometimes it is a concerned neighbor or friend, sometimes even an upstanding member of the community, who give of their precious time to others. They will provide a listening ear to the Tzaros that people go through. They offer Eitzos and Hadracha culled from their Seichel Hayashar, often basing it on their Torah Hashkafa.

Do they understand trauma? No. What about abuse? Not that either. So much so that they don’t even understand why people spend hundreds of hours training in these fields. Its arois gevarfene gelt. They can do it for free. They know how to be available all the time; they know how to be sympathetic; they know Sifrei Mussar; they know better.

The risks involved? Equally as fatal as me providing surgery. But I would be considered an Achzar, they, Tzaddikim. Make no mistake. It is one and the same.

If you do not have training in trauma, you don’t know what you are doing. Do a real Chessed for the ones who are hurting, leave it to the professionals to do the job required to help and heal the unfortunate victim. You need to understand that you don’t understand, that this is something deeper and more far reaching than you can imagine. Have the strength and humility to recognize that you need to refer to someone who is trained to deal with this. Don’t just say you really care, even though that is how you feel, do something that shows you really do. Be honest with yourself so that you can be honest with others.

I’ll admit my lack of experience and therefore won’t operate on you. I deserve the same treatment in return.

'Just Musing' thought of the week

"When you realize nobody is home, you stop knocking on the door."

Why I Write

To the one who abused me,

                Whose actions prove

that he doesn’t regret it.

To my family,

                Whose reactions confirm

that they just don’t get it.

To my friends,

                Whose dissatisfactions show,

and wish I’d forget it-

That is why I write.

For the Rabbi,

               Who won’t listen to words

for fear of slander.

For the Lecturer,

   Who equates victimization with stomach illness

declared in candor.

For the communities,

                Who raise Tzedaka for molesters,

not the innocent bystander-

That is why I write.

They are all united:

With their persistence,

In their resistance

To my own existence-

           Still I am right.

They share one goal:

To deny the truth,

By erasing my youth

In ways so uncouth-

Still I am right.

And I do not expect:

Anyone of them to read,

Nor my words to heed.

Though they think they succeed-

         Still I will write.

Postscript

(To the one that I married,

               Who will always stand by

through thick and thin.

To my therapist,

               Who believes in me

           that ultimately I can win.

And to a mere few others,

               One who is a Rabbi,

           the other being a cousin-

That is how I write!)

Bits and Pieces

Have been told

that I have

a heart of gold

I would wonder

solid or gold plated?

my heart thereunder.

The thought sat still

Until clarity hit

and explain I will

It’s solid!

Realized with a start

Cuz now that it is broken

It is a heavy heart.

How well can you put you foot in your mouth?

Having dealt with numerous people, all well-meaning, most not well-understanding, I've heard lots of advice and comments. And so, I'll put the challenge out to you:

Which comments would you deem as hurtful? 

v“You can’t tell anyone what he did.”

v“We love you, you are part of our family! but you have to realize that we also don’t want to lose him as a brother.”

v“He really did that to you? He must have changed since.”

v“I was told that recovery takes numerous years and hard work in therapy and I understand that 100%. Could you do it any quicker?”

v“Since it is 2 sides in the family, the family can’t get involved. I feel very relieved about this decision and maybe I will finally be able to sleep tonight.”

v“I appreciate your consideration in requesting permission before telling me what he did to you.. For now I'll have you just stick to the feelings, not the facts..”

v“You have to pick your battles and give in, you can’t attend all the family Simchos.”

v“It is interesting that you think he is a pedophile. There is much discussion in psychology about what he did, if [such people] are really considered sick.” 

v“Forgive me for the terrible things I did to you and (our brother) will have a baby and Totty and Mommy will be healthy in that Zechus.”
v“How long will it take for you to recover? Are you sure your therapist is doing a good job?”

v“If you Chas Vshalom make it public you are a Rotzeach.”

v“I really have rachmonus on him. You know he had such a hard life. My heart bleeds for him.”

v“When you get married, don’t ever tell anyone what happened to you.”

v“You have to understand, that because he is my brother and we share the same last name, if it becomes public you are besmirching my name, and I have kids to marry off.”

v“You have to take his wife and kids into consideration. What did they do wrong?”

'Just Musing' thought of the week

"Sometimes you stop fighting. Not because you are a loser but because they are."

'Im ain ani li mi li?'

‘Been abused too’ posed a valid question-

 "Can a child molestor do teshuvah, and how should they do it?”

The truth is this question should not be coming from a victim, not from me or you, but from the molester himself. If a molester can own up to what he did, and take responsibility for what he did with sincere regret, he will do whatever it takes to do Teshuva. The Torah is complete and multi faceted. There is a solution for any issue that we have that is not a chiddush. Will he get Kapporah? We all know that comes from Hashem and is irrelevant and unknown to us.

And why wouldn’t it be the same 4 steps of Teshuvah like any other Avairah?

·         Vidui- to admit explicitly what they did and the irreparable damage that they caused

·         Charatah- can’t be alone needs some constructive action-of

·          Azivas hachait, this is an illness so they would need to GO FOR HELP (illnesses don’t cure themselves, ever!)

·          Kabalah al ha’asid—they should be afraid of themselves at what they could do and do whatever it takes for them to be in control of themselves. We shouldn’t have to be afraid of them anymore!

The question might be if from a psychological point of view they can become a non-molester. Research has show that a molester has to want to change and go to intense therapy for it like any other mental illness. The reality is that unstable people won’t help themselves precisely because of their instability.

But all this a distraction from the real issue at hand.

                The real Teshuva that has to be done to help correct the situation has to come from ourselves, regardless of whether they repent or not.

Pedophiles won’t own up to their actions, like any other ill mind. While some mentally ill people, look unwell and people know to stay away from them, a molester can look like any normal person and at the same time be very harmful to society. Coupled with the fact that the damage itself cannot be outwardly seen, this causes people to feel helpless; realizing that this is something that is very much out of their control, and cannot be prevented.

 It is an extremely disconcerting issue. Nobody likes to feel powerless over a harmful situation that affects them. And yes, the most we can do is give our kids the knowledge of what’s right and wrong behavior, and cannot change the wrong behavior that can be done. But should we take the approach of the ‘let’s close our eyes and nothing will happen’? We will ‘allow’ the molesters to do ‘Teshuvah’ and give them guidelines just how to, and then we, the community, will forgive them?

This sounds so virtuous, altruistic and Jewish! A chessed to help others that harmed us get better. In essence, it has nothing to do with Hashem or the laws He gave us to follow! There is nothing Jewish about this approach. It’s ludicrous!

We have no obligation to control other people’s actions but we are obligated to take care of ourselves.

 It is scary that we cannot prevent the harm, but that is also the reality. And accepting the situation is the only way it can be dealt with. No one else’s Teshuvah is in our hands, and is definitely not part of the solution to the molestation issue we are dealing with. It is time for us to do Teshuvah and handle this unfortunate situation correctly.

We have to educate and empower our children by giving them the knowledge about this terrible wrong. We need to give them the awareness so they will know to protect themselves. We have to keep them safe so that they will not become victims themselves.

That is where we are lacking. That is what we need to correct. That is Teshuvah!

Yiddishe people have no qualms talking to their children about robbers, even though it is an ‘avairah to steal’. What is this any different? We must protect ourselves from other’s wrongdoings even though they shouldn’t be doing them.

 I cannot prevent molesters from harming my children rachmanah litzlan, but I can educate my children about molestation awareness and appropriate behavior.

I also have my son lock his bike. He knows it is not in my power to stop someone from being a robber, yet that does not absolve us from taking as much precaution possible to keep it safe.

A bike gets only a lock, a house has an alarm system, what are we doing for the most precious and valuable thing we have, our children’s physical and emotional well being???