Aside from the usual every day struggles and effects of being molested as a kid; being molested by family members - whoa. Being molested by family members in an insular community -WHOA. Being molested by family members in an insular community, where molestation doesn't happen, because frum Yidden don't do those things, WWWHHHOOOAAA! There are no words.
I am writing this out so that I can maybe see that there is some support, as it is so, so lonely (and lonliness really hurts) or maybe just writing it will help me get it out (keeping it in hasn't been so helpful either).
It took a long time to admit to myself that I was molested by 2 brothers. I felt that being molested by two means that there is something wrong with me. It made me feel so ashamed. Like I'm a loser.
One of my brothers molested me early on. He has since admitted that he did it. (Not that I get any support or validation from my family, as they want it swept under the rug, but that is not the point I am focusing on right now)
Another brother molested me when I was 11 & 12. He is "upstanding". He is "religious looking". He has a charisamtic personality and a great sense of humor. And I always had a good relationship with him. I really always wanted to wish it away. I tried for years and years.
Years ago, (against professional advice), I decided to let him know that I remembered what he did to me. It was, for what I thought then, the way I thought I would solve an issue that was constantly coming up. I called him up and spoke to him.
His response? He couldn't remember any of it and he had no idea what I was talking about.
He told me maybe I was looking to badmouth him like I badmouthed my other brother. (Logic: my other brother admitted to abusing me. Emotion: Help! He is saying I am a liar and want to make up stories) I got scared and the next day I called him up and said I wasn't planning on telling anyone, I was just trying to solve the issue that was coming up, so he doesn't have to worry. He brushed me off.
Shortly after this conversation I found out that he told my parents I am making up stories about him, and he called up Brother Molester #1 and said that I made up stories about the both of them. This was very scary for me
This happened years ago. And I am still traumatized from the fallouts that continuously happen.
We share the same family. Simchos are torture for me. My sister in law ignores me, like I do not exist. And each and every time I go, I get so affected, I get so traumatized, I feel so low and horrible. I am affected for days. I get so angry that I am the pariah. That my family is not there for me. She monoplizes the conversation with the family like I don't exist. It makes me feel so worthless and angry that my family doesn't even care about me.
There was a time that I did not go to Simchos at all. I could not hack it. And it was never a discussion in my family. No one said anything. I always felt that they were mad at me for causing "Machlokes". And at times I wondered if I should just "cut it off" from all of them.
But it is not so simple. I have nieces and nephews that I am friendly with. I come from a large family. There are memories we share, relationships that we have. Tight knit community, also really does not help the situation. Everyone knows everyone.
And also, I have kids. Kids that have cousins. I so much do not want to pass down my hurt to them.
This is going on for years. What changed now? Well, my sister-in-law's mother died last year, so she was in Aveilus for a year. I was so excited that I was able to partake in Simchas again! And I saw that my family really enjoys having me around. We have developed a sort of delicate dance that we sidestep this big issue and just "be family". I was able to focus and appreciate the good times and the good conversations.
But all things must come to an end, and alas, the year is over. And I was recently by my niece's vort and sure enough, she walked in completely ignored my presence like I wasn't there. And all my "strength" and "logic" crumpled. I felt completely traumatized, and regressed to places I thought I would never be in again. Oh! If only logic would help. If only emotions wouldn't be so strong.
Now today I had a conversation with a member of my family. I took the risk to mention that I felt bad to be ignored. And I was told "But what should she (my sister-in-law) do? She feels like you said something untrue about her husband and spread a lie. I had a conversation about this a while ago with her and she feels she deserves an apology for what I said."
I questioned if now she is the victim and was told "There are 2 sides, she said, he said. I wasn't there... I find it hard to imagine it happened..." I was further told that the family does not know what to do, and is "not taking sides.".
I had a long conversation (The first one really ever in my family) This person really did not mean to be hurtful with what was said. And I believe that. For this is what they truly believe.
I think I have a lot of emotional rants about all of this. Maybe I will write about each one.
But for now I came out with two things.
1. So my sister-in-law is "rightfully" ignoring me, because she feels I slandered her husband so she is mad at me until I apologize. Somehow, it was slightly comforting. She is above 50, if this is how she needs to act, so let her be. (Note to self: Very easy to say this when I do not see her..)
2. My family sees this as a rift in the family, with 2 sides and is hard for them to deal with, and they are willing to accept both of us. Family is complicated in that way.
For a little bit, I was able to see it like that. But now a couple hours later -----
I DID NOTHING WRONG. I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE RE-PUNISHED EVERY FAMILY GATHERING. I SHOULD BE BELIEVED, AND NOT DOUBTED. IT IS A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE FEELING.
I am feeling so mad, so lost, so scared and spiraling to a place of helplessness and hoplessness.
I am hoping to reach a place of acceptance of the limitations of my family, and appreciation of what they can offer.
But for now SCREW LOGIC, I JUST WANT TO BE UNMOLESTED. NOW! NOW! NOW!
