Having dealt with numerous people, all well-meaning, most not well-understanding, I've heard lots of advice and comments. And so, I'll put the challenge out to you:
Which comments would you deem as hurtful?
v“You can’t tell anyone what he did.”
v“He really did that to you? He must have changed since.”
v“I was told that recovery takes numerous years and hard work in therapy and I understand that 100%. Could you do it any quicker?”
v“Since it is 2 sides in the family, the family can’t get involved. I feel very relieved about this decision and maybe I will finally be able to sleep tonight.”
v“I appreciate your consideration in requesting permission before telling me what he did to you.. For now I'll have you just stick to the feelings, not the facts..”
v“You have to pick your battles and give in, you can’t attend all the family Simchos.”
v“It is interesting that you think he is a pedophile. There is much discussion in psychology about what he did, if [such people] are really considered sick.”
v“Forgive me for the terrible things I did to you and (our brother) will have a baby and Totty and Mommy will be healthy in that Zechus.”
v“How long will it take for you to recover? Are you sure your therapist is doing a good job?”
v“How long will it take for you to recover? Are you sure your therapist is doing a good job?”
v“If you Chas Vshalom make it public you are a Rotzeach.”
v“I really have rachmonus on him. You know he had such a hard life. My heart bleeds for him.”
v“When you get married, don’t ever tell anyone what happened to you.”
v“You have to understand, that because he is my brother and we share the same last name, if it becomes public you are besmirching my name, and I have kids to marry off.”
v“You have to take his wife and kids into consideration. What did they do wrong?”
You obviously have a lot of pain you are trying to heal.
ReplyDeleteYou are looking to right the wrongs that have been done to you.
You want our society to change. You want them to accept and recognise that the real victim is the one who was abused, not the abuser.
More than anything, you want to do your bit to ensure that no other child has their innocence torn from them in the way you did. You want to save the next helpless victim from having to live the rest of their life with their innermost thoughts twisted and corrupted almost beyond repair by having been forced into the world while still raw and unripe.
The problem is however, this blog is not the right place, for a number of reasons, mainly because it is read but very few people. The ones who need to read it don't know about it, and the ones who do read it, are not in a position to do anything about it. You are venting hot air but, sadly, achieving very little.
I feel qualified to say the above because I too am an abuse victim. Today, however, I prefer the word survivor. There's no challenge we face which we cannot overcome, and if mine is to have been an abuse victim, then it is one I have to overcome and become a survivor. I could spend the rest of my life moping over the past, losing all my battles but blaming my abuser, destined forever for a life of losses. I could however, decide to pick up the pieces of my life and move on, ever a fighter and often a winner.
I know I cannot change the world, even though I desperately wish I could, if only to save a couple of sweet kids. But I also know my limitations, and am therefore no longer as frustrated by them as I was when I thought I could right all wrongs including those of society around us.
Some things will never change. One of those is our kehillas collective attitude to abuse. Sadly however, there is very little us survivors can do about it. Depressingly, most of the reason for this inability to effect change is due to the very attitude we wish we could change. This a viscous circle shows no sympathy to those who attempt to break it.
I learnt (a little the hard way) that I had face facts, harsh as they may seem and move on with my task of surviving.
I do sometimes find it hard to cope with an overwhelming desire that I could fix chareidi attitude to abuse, and I'm occasionally rattled by it, but Boruch Hashem I am mostly succeeding to win my battles and live up to the real me.
I appreciate your reply. I too, am working to move past. I differ though on your opinion on this blog.
DeleteIt is true that 'uder mir darft nisht uder s'helft nisht' applies here. Meaning, the ones reading this and understanding this, are not the ones that need to read it, whereas the ones who do need to read it won't.
Still, that doesn't mean that I can't use this as a forum to let share my feelings.
I can't change anyone's understanding on the matter if they don't wish to understand.
Yet, at the same time no one can stop me from sharing my feelings.
Do I think I can change the situation? No. Trust me, I've been there, done that.
One thing I can do is write. And yes, I know, I can't making anyone read.
I think that some people would rather put it behind them, and that is their way of dealing. Other people would rather raise a ruckus, and that is their way of dealing.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think that even if the ruckus we raise helps only one kid, it's still worth it.
It's true, we can't change the world, but we can change one life at a time. And each life is worth the effort.