in search of Him

At a family Bar Mitzva I had time to reflect

No matter how much preparation, I have to accept,

Feelings of shortness of breath
And suffocating to death

When I know it’s my brother that I am going to expect

Thankfully he was late, but still no matter when

His appearance will show and suddenly then-

When he walks in

My head starts to spin

Suddenly I’m a helpless kid all over again.

And his wife follows; her nose held high

And daintily (quite snootily) passes me by.

The queen of bitches

The mistress of witches

About her behavior-it’s hard to explain why.

Certainly clear to me that I did no wrong

Yet she’s determined to make sure I don’t belong.

As she gives a sweeping glance

And ignores me with askance

While smiling and laughing with the others along.

If family is a blessing then it is certainly disguised
To me they are a curse, right in front of my eyes

Logic so twisted and bent

To ignore the innocent

And fiercely protective over the truly despised

I clearly don’t understand all or any of God’s scheme

Though at this time I wonder where He reigns supreme

I hope not with the bastards and bitches

Or with the assholes and witches

And I wonder, can I count Him-

                                               As One on my team?

The 80/20 Rule

A number one piece of advice in the parenting books is the 80/20 rule. It is not a complicated math equation, it is simple, really. For every criticism or negative comment you need to tell your child, be sure that there are four positive comments or compliments that you have said as well. 

This isn't hieroglyphics from psychologists, it is simple to understand the reasoning behind this concept. We all know we love our kids. We feel it deep inside our hearts. But our children don’t know what we feel, they know how we act, more importantly, what we say. If we only communicate to them criticism, even though it is constructive, that is all they have to hold on to. All they believe is that they are not good enough and aren't meeting up to our expectations. This dynamic can lead to feelings of defensiveness. Surely the opposite feeling of being loved and cherished. 

But if we cushion our reproach with compliments and warm words they know how we truly feel about them. They feel secure in the affection bestowed upon them. This will manifest itself in a warm trusting relationship.

I would like to expound on this idea and suggest a similar theme to the Rabbonim in our communities. I have yet to see a Rav condone molestation. Yet, ironically, it feels that Rabbonim are so quick to sign letters, publish Kol Korehs, protecting people ‘accused falsely’ of molesting a child. Any time there is a frum person that makes the news in this venue, there are highly regarded people that quickly come to his defense. And then,more often than not, the ‘victim’ emerges as an abuser.  All we are then left with aside from being disappointed, is a mistrustful feeling towards the Gedolim that backed them.(This is vague and general so as not to stray from the point I wish to make. Rest assured there are real hard facts and stories to back this claim up).

To solve this issue, I would like to propose the 80/20 rule over here.

For every one ‘falsely accused’ molester a Rav knows about and therefore needs to protect, he must condemn four other molesters. There is no dearth of victims around, surely it wouldn't be hard to fill the ratio.  Publicly or privately? That would depend. It should be in the same venue he chooses to stand up for the one he feels falsely accused. 

We can’t know what the Rabbonim feel inside, but surely this rule would make it clear where they stand in helping real victims. 

Unless though, we are supposed to judge them by their actions alone. Doesn't that imply that they are not really out to protect victims? Only predators? This is what is understood by what we see, by the naked eye. 

Unless when they speak about ‘kedusha’ and ‘tznius’ it is meant to be understood hypocritically, not literally. 

Unless their goal here is really to protect an image to what they believe frum communities should look like, not the real truth?

The outcome of the 80/20 rule is trust. Actions that don’t follow this idea, imply otherwise.

We deserve more. It is time for us to respect our leaders for their fear of G-d; for doing what’s right, not popular.We deserve to have leaders that have zero tolerance towards molesters instead of creating a safe haven for them. 

Most of all, we deserve to hear the words of “V’hayah Machanecha Kadosh” uttered to mean what they were truly meant to. 

 Inspired by tonight's Asifa in Lakewood NJ entitled "V'Hayah Machanecha Kadosh"
http://www.thelakewoodscoop.com/news/2014/09/thousands-attend-lakewood-tznius-asifa.html

Going off THE Derech-revisited. Is there really only one?

My son recently came home from school and told me a joke he heard that day. There were two Chassidish bochurim that made up between each other that they are going to ‘go off the derech’. They decided to meet at a bar that night. One of the boys came with his payos off, no Yarmulkah, and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. He was surprised to see his friend waiting there, dressed in his traditional Chassidish garb, langeh rekel and all.

“Didn’t we make up that we are becoming frei?” He asked his friend. ”Don’t worry, I’m with you in this.” his friend replied, “I have gum in my pocket…”

Now of course this is not a true story but it got me thinking. Ask any of our kids what is expected of them, and I’m sure they have been trained well enough to give the right answer. For the boys, well it would be, to be a ‘good boy’, get into a top Mesivta, marry a wonderful girl, and sit and learn “kol yemie chayav”. A girl would have to add that she is willing to support her husband, and take care of the kids, the house, the bills, and not disturb her husband for anything, so that he can learn b’menucha. These are indeed wonderful aspirations. But is this the only way we are teaching them that they could succeed?

As a side note, even though this is what is being preached in the finest Yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs with utmost sincerity, there is still a little hope that not everyone will follow this path, because they do need money too. But this will never be stated. We recently received a dinner journal from my husband’s alma mater, stating that one of the philanthropists of today, an alumni of the Yeshiva, has now become the ‘executive chairmen of the administrative committee’. I gave a small chuckle. My husband remembers when he was bounced out of the place; the successful business he now runs was started in the Yeshiva’s dorm. I’m sure the Yeshiva didn’t want to be associated with him then. Fast forward twenty years. Now he is one of the ‘Yeshiva’s alumni’ that they pride themselves by. But I digress.

Shlomo Hamelech, the smartest of all men, said ‘Chanoch L’na’ar Al Pi Darko’. This is from one of the most well quoted verses, but I believe it begs a question. Shouldn’t he have said 'Chanoch L’na’ar Al Pi Haderech’? Educate your child on the path, the path to Nitzchius? Could he be insinuating that there is actually more than one path that the Aibeshter agrees to? If so, why is it that it seems that society is so judgmental of people not following ‘the script’? Maybe they are following the path suited for them. Not every child needs to be the community’s idea of the ‘perfect catch’, and not every child is meant to. As Shlomo Hamelech said, there are many ways to serve Hashem. Perhaps it is our job to start believing just that.

If a boy wishes to wear different clothes colors or Yarmulka fabrics and sizes, it doesn’t mean he has been baptized. If a girl wants to wear nail polish, she did not necessarily become a hooker. A child with an appreciation for more upbeat music, doesn’t mean he will be a DJ in a night club. And getting a job that requires Internet access doesn’t translate into watching pornography.

It can, however.

If we erroneously stress the ‘one path’, the only Derech, we are in essence forcing our children to make choices they never intended to make. ‘Echad Hamarbeh V’Echad Hamamit.’ Perhaps we should start letting our children be, really be, who they are meant to. And let us see their needs and desires as something real. Let’s allow them to find their own individuality without having to throw everything away. Because sometimes, all they really want is, indeed, only a stick of gum.

Palindrome of the Victim

Child Abused

Relax can't Worry

He Promises,

Feeling Good. 

Others 

Fulfilled Enjoyment.

Although, 

Pleasure is Nothing

Heart is Pieces Crushed

Gone forever Innocence

Life Altering

Forever.

Forever

Altering Life

Innocence forever Gone

Crushed Pieces is Heart 

Nothing is Pleasure

Although,

Enjoyment fulfilled

Others.

Good Feeling

Promises he.

Worry, can't Relax.                                                              

Abused Child

to live the lie

the feeling of distress

when it is the dress

that needs to impress

what are we inspecting-

what values reflecting-

what ideals respecting?

when a beard grows long

and the tzitzis knots strong

then you can belong

feel free to rape

any size and shape

don’t need to escape

will be protected

and even respected

all accusations deflected

if the look is devout

that is what it’s about

never mind the inside-just out

there is no inhibition

it’s religion by definition

this is our tradition

how can you feel-

how can you heal-

when this is meant as real?

the pain is refused

the logic is confused

when you’re the one-

Who was abused.

'Just Musing' thought in middle of the week

"It takes strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable"

'Just Musing' thought of the week

"I am struck by the difference in meaning-
 between 'well people' and 'well-meaning' people..."

To Mourn the Living

This week we are coming up to the first Yartzheit of my father-in-law, Zatzal. The year was a hard one, and milestones are particularly poignant. It is as if a force beyond our control causes us to reflect.

I remember the phone call I got a little more that a year ago informing me that my father-in-law collapsed. My husband and his siblings flew out to be with him during his final days. It was five days of uncertainty. The question wasn't if he will recover but rather when it will be over. On that fateful Monday, his numbers started going down. My husband got a haircut and took a shower in anticipation of what was upcoming. Late afternoon the family gathered in his hospital room, and watched his blood pressure steadily decline. They said Vidui and Shma with him. All the numbers dropped to zero. The family tore Kriah. He was gone.

The truth is we really lost him a year before that. My kind, wonderful, and wise, oh so wise, father-in-law suffered from Alzheimer's during that time. He looked the same, always neat and put together, his smile was still there when he greeted you effusively, as he always did. But he wasn't there.

It is always hard to compare emotional pain. But there was a certain aspect of this year which, dare I say, was easier than the last year that he was alive. Death, particularly of someone we loved so much, is heartbreaking. But it was almost as if we have permission to grieve now. We are allowed, so to speak, to mourn our loss. It was harder to process our emotions when he was alive. How can we miss him, if he is still here? Compounding the difficulty were the teasing moments when he was lucid. They were far and few in between. Not enough to have him back, but enough to have us struggle with feelings of guilt for the sadness we felt.

His Yartzheit is coming up and the year of Aveilus will end. It's not easy. My husband will be allowed to go to Simchos again. It doesn't feel like a relief. He doesn't have a father anymore. There is a void in his heart forever. But the healing is gradual, albeit subtle and also painful. Time has it's way of slowly dulling the intensity of the loss. Bit by bit, the period that we can hold on to the acceptance that he is no longer with us is stretching longer There are still the times the pain resurfaces acutely, such as by milestones that we wish he could be here to share with us. And we feel surprised at the ability we have that allows the reprieve to return, the pain less piercing, the ability to move on.

This all comes to mind when I struggle to come to terms with the loss I have to contend with. The loss of my family, may they all live and be well. I've come to the realization, after many, many years of trying to get them to understand, that they won't. Not that they aren't capable. They are a highly intelligent bunch, for the most part. They don't want to deal with the reality. They don't want to come to terms with how devastating it really is. They don't want to put in the work, they don't want to feel the horrific pain. They won't allow themselves to understand what I went though, what I continue to go through, and how they too are really affected. They rather just leave it as my 'issue' alone, they want to have no part.

I lost them all, but they are still here. The illusionary affect is so hard to process and come to terms with. How can I accept a loss that is not a loss? They really can change. They really can get it. And they really won't change. The realization brings tremendous pain and unfathomable anger towards them. But it feels never ending. How can you mourn a continuous death that really isn't dead? The grieving process seemingly never ends because I can't achieve the closure that acceptance necessitates.

I am in no way belittling my husband's pain and loss. And I am also not belittling mine. As hopeful as I feel that my husband can eventually and slowly put his life back together again, I don't share the same sentiments about myself. Alas; the living weren't meant to be mourned.

'Just Musing' thought of the week

When people I speak to seriously don't get the traumatic affects of molestation so many years later, I feel like telling them "I wish the same on you, and then you will understand."

But I really don't.

Instead I bentch them with my whole heart and soul that they should be Zocheh to always be so naive and stupid.

NEGIUS def. Turning highly intelligent people into brainless brick walls

Recently I had the opportunity to spend Shabbos with my family. As my fate has it, it is also the family of the one who abused me. Yup, I have been molested, again and again, by my very own brother. I don't believe the English language has words to describe the painful state of affairs involved in such a situation. Complicated? Complex? Way too trite. Unfortunate? Horrific? Sounds lame, at best. There is nothing that can do justice to describe the gut wrenching and crushing situation I find myself in. The least I can do is to dispel the myths associated with this situation.

• You can't be on both sides. This is actually is a myth inside a myth. Firstly, there are no two sides to the story. Period. Secondly, we may be two siblings, we share a family. We are two children, we share the same parents. One of us is horrifically wrong and one is horrifically punished for being right. By my family being there for both of us, they are siding with one person only, and that is the molester in the family.  
• Abusers aren't ‘otherwise ehrlich and healthy’. Someone who molests young kids repeatedly is incredibly sick. Even if his garb likens to that of a Rabbi. Even if he can expound on a deep Torah thought. And even if he can shuckle devoutly and appropriately by Shmoneh Esrei. Only if you would be comforted by a doctor saying “The patient is on a respirator and in a coma, but besides for that he is okay” can you feel confident with the description of someone that “molested his sister recurrently but Baruch Hashem he is fine now”. Both statements are equally nonsensical.
•  He will not ‘ruin the family reputation’ were they to demand of him to take responsibility for his actions. The family is ruining their own name by not mandating justice. True he shares the same surname as his parents and brothers, and that might feel like a reason to deny what he did in order to protect themselves. But make no mistake; he certainly does not have his family’s best interest in mind. He cares about one thing, like he always did, and that is to fulfill his corrupt and selfish needs and desires. Eventually he will spiral out of control and be exposed for his wrongdoings. And by then it will be too late. The family will be defined by and associated with him, because they did nothing to stand up against him.
•  The same manipulation he used on me to fulfill his sick perverted desires, he is using on the family to protect himself. Sometimes he will look real devout and talk of feelings of remorse, other times he will act out in rage. Sometimes he will point out how his wife and children will suffer, other times he will threaten to harm himself. The family can’t stand up to his manipulative behavior. They can’t see through his lies. They take him seriously, and fall for him every time.
•  I am not the one who is causing the family to suffer. I did not make the horrific mess, he did. He should be obligated to clean it up by owning up to his actions. It is not my responsibility to keep his secret, and when he is exposed, it is not I who caused harm to the family. He wreaked the havoc, not I. He is at fault; he is to blame. It has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me.

In closing, I’d like to end with one more myth.

• A person can only die once. Being the target for misplaced blame and anger; being falsely accused and invalidated by those nearest and dearest to you, will kill a human being again and again and again.

Inappropriate Humor

When I was a kid, I heard about a speech at a Sheva Brochos. The speaker based his speech on the first Possuk in Parshas Ki Setzei. He said that it says, V’Hayah Ki Setzei L’Milchama. He asked on this, V’Hayah is always used as a Loshon of Simchah. What Simchah is there B’Inyanei Milchama?

The rest of his (ten minutes long!) speech focused around the brilliance of the Chassan. Because the Chassan understood and appreciated war tactics; war plans and strategies actually brought him Simchah. (This was around the time of the Persian Gulf War. I guess I am dating myself a little here). The speaker brought appropriate proofs, theories, and jokes. He concluded his speech with the usual ‘Zocheh to build a Bayis Neeman B’Yisrael’ and added that it can only be accomplished through Sholom and not fighting, and that will bring true Simchah.

He sat down, amidst applause and Shkoyachs, and then stood up again. “Rabboisai,” he said. “I was thinking that there is a one small Nekudah that you can use to shlug up my vort. And that is, l’maaseh the Possuk doesn’t have the word V’Hayah in it…”

------

Being molested by a frum pedophile is complicated. (By the way the term ‘frum pedophile’ is a complete oxymoron. If he is a pedophile, he ain’t frum, regardless of his garb or synagogue association. But I digress.) It is complicated because of the community’s understanding of what the Chillul Hashem is in the situation. They seem to think that it means that goyim should not find out that such a concept exists by frum Yidden. And so, based on that belief, to be Mekadesh Shem Shamayim in this situation would be to make sure that no goy or newspaper ever finds out about it. This would mean to take care of the problem ‘internally’.

Now, as we all know, whether we would like to admit it in words or not, the frum community does not have the capabilities to deal with molesters. Fact is no pedophile can be stopped without law enforcement involved. Even in the unlikely situation that a predator is willing to go to therapy for help, he is still not cured. He still needs to be monitored and kept away from children. We don’t have a tracking system to put this in place. And we certainly don’t have the capacity to impose a consequence when he violates his rules. What penalty can be given and upheld without involving the police? And if we go to the police, then we are making a Chillul Hashem.

This seems like a really complicated situation. But the real issue here is that the basic premise on which all this is built on is false! Not that we are allowed to make a Chillul Hashem. Of course not! But rather what the Chillul Hashem really is. That is where the fault lies.

The Chillul Hashem in the situation is not the publicity it would entail to expose molesters. It is the fact that a religious looking predator is molesting children! That is a disgrace to G-d’s name. How can we rectify that? By showing that we have zero tolerance for such despicable behavior. He has to be punished for his actions. And only that can be mekadesh Shem Shamayim. The publicity that may come out of putting a pedophile where he belongs isn’t tarnishing Hashem’s Kovod. In fact it is the opposite. It shows that we protect Hashem’s honor by taking care of His tayere children.

But herein lies the issue. Whose Kovod is being tarnished? Maybe the Kovod of the Rav of the Shul where he davens. How can he have such a lowlife as part of his congregation? It certainly doesn’t reflect well on him. Or the Rosh Yeshiva of the Yeshiva he associates himself with. Wouldn’t say much about his institution, would it? What about the Chassidus or the community that the predator comes from? How would they look if he would be exposed?

These are indeed painful truths. But instead of realizing that a predator need not define them if they react and act appropriately, they change only one small Nekudah in the reality of the situation. They substitute ‘Hashem’ for their own name. And then go on a rampage of the ‘Chillul Hashem’ that would come from making it public…

-------

To build a whole Sheva Brochos speech on  shtusim? That is acceptable and can even elicit a chuckle. But there is absolutely nothing remotely funny or humorous about paskening matters of life and death based on misrepresentations and misinterpretations.

Let us stop protecting our self images, our community reputations, our pedophiles.

Asei L’maan Tinokos Shel Beis Rabban.

Enough is enough.

The time has come to be Mekadesh Shem Shamayaim.

'Just Musing' thought in middle of the week

"The money that couldn't be found for his therapy will surface instantly when he will need a defense lawyer."

'Just Musing' thought of the week

For all those who think that we are completely influenced by the Goyim, fret not! 

We have a long way to go!

A child molester in prison needs a cell with security, because even lowlife prisoners know what they did was unacceptable and may kill him. 

But us? We show utter respect to these people and treat them in the highest regard!

Mavdil Min Hatoyim. Indeed.

Wishful Thinking

    Just the other day, a genie approached me and granted me three wishes. It was my chance to ask for unlimited money and Kochos to help all poor people and Yeshivos in Klal Yisroel. A third wish to be used for all Tinokos Shel Bais Rabban to go B’derech Hayashar and become true Ovdei Hashem. So many wonderful possibilities to help my fellow Yidden. But he caught me in a bad time. I was feeling fully enraged and revengeful. I was in a really foul mood.

Before I publicize my wishes, I want to make a disclaimer. Anyone who doesn’t want to Chas V’shalom read anything that comes from a place of bad Middos (Lo Aleinu) should stop reading right here and pick up on this blog next week for a new post. This article is not for you.
   

 Almost automatically, I was transported to the place I just can’t seem to get out of, no matter how hard I try. My mind was flooded again with the thoughts of what that guy did when he used me. Suddenly I was fed up. I had enough of this. I decided this is what I was going to act upon and use my wishes for.

   I believe were I to ask a Shailah, I would have been advised that in the grand scheme of things of what can be accomplished with this wonderful opportunity, wouldn’t this be a waste? Besides, wouldn't the Schar of being Maaver Al Midosai, of putting my own stance aside to help others, be a more genuine feeling of accomplishment? One that would not be fleeting? I’m sure I would have agreed, but at the moment I was feeling too selfish to care.
   

 The genie told me to take my time to think it over. This was a rare, one time occurrence and should definitely be used in a wise and thought out manner. I’m sure subconsciously I agreed with him, but my impulsivity took over. (Another bad Middah that Yiddishkeit-sensitive people shouldn’t be reading about.) I so desperately wanted to do something to end the misery I was feeling. And even if it meant to blow a lifetime opportunity, so be it.

    I quickly told him I was ready when he was. Okay, he said. Shoot. 

“Well” I cleared my throat, “here is the list.

1. Anytime Oisoi Ha’Ish gets called up to an Aliya L’Torah, it should be with his full title.” I could sense the confusion, so I hurried to clarify. “Y’know, the Gabbai will call him up as ‘Yaamod Harav Hamenuval… ben….’
2. Whenever he leaves his house, he will be obligated to wear a patch on his outermost garment. Bold readable letters should be printed on it stating: I MOLESTED A CHILD.
3. I want to steal from him. To take revenge from what he robbed from me. It’s not his money that I want. I won’t take a cent from that immoral, depraved, filthy, and selfish being. But I want everyone to see who he really is, because I know. I saw him in his true essence one time too many. And even one time would be too many, yet he still didn’t stop there. So I want to
confiscate every single pair of pants and underwear that he owns. This way he can’t cover up what his real animalistic desires are and fool everyone with his devout looking, (and absolutely superfluous) Hasidic garb.”

    The genie scribbled down the rest of my words and told me that it can take up to 24 hours to process my request and he was on his way. It was a big shame that my alarm clock rang before he had a chance to even come back…

So that’s it, folks. My dream of exposing him was over. Gone in the way of so many other crumbled dreams in the past. Now all I am left with is the unjustified responsibility of protecting a guy that doesn’t deserve protection. Not from his family, not from his community and certainly not from me.

What a bummer.

'Just Musing' thought in middle of the week

The difference between a competent therapist and a caring friend is as follows:

When you mention "I'm hurting inside" with a soft smile on your face,

a friend will see and admire the strength of your smile 

whereas

a  therapist will hear and appreciate the strongness of your pain.

'Just Musing' thought of the week

"I used to think that being molested defined me. I know now that it doesn't. It does however affect every single aspect of my life."

Kidney,anyone?

Simanei Yisrael ….. Rachmanim, Gomlei Chasadim. Yidden are special. The connection we feel with one another and the caring that is shown towards each other is indescribable. There are no other people in the world like us.

From the businessman who was audited because the amount of money he reported that he gave to charity (the IRS thought it was fraud) to the organizations. And what organizations! For sick people, there is Hatzala and Bikur Cholim, and all the organizations to help people with cancer R’L and other terminal illnesses. For poor people, there is Tomchei Shabbos, and organizations to help with Brissim, Bar Mitzvas, Chasunos, and Levayos.

 And then there are communities with Chaveirim and Shomrim, and free loan Gemachim. Gemachim! That would require an article all by itself. Lists and lists in every Frum community. From gowns for your simcha, to clowns that make others B’simcha, from tangible goods to intangible services, it can boggle the mind how virtually no area has been left out. If there is a need, there is a gemach to help.

The concepts for each one are all so different but there is one common denominator that unites each and every organization and Gemach. That is the Yiddishe Hartz, and the genuine desire to give. Mi K’amchah Yisrael!

I was thinking about this the other day. With the launching of ObamaCare, health insurance has become a rising concern. We are all equally befuddled on what the advantages are of the mandatory government insurance. But one thing we are very clear on, the rising costs that are coming out of our pockets. And the fine print about what each policy doesn’t cover anymore is equally disconcerting. And I was wondering how can I, a concerned member of Klal Yisrael, help my fellow brethren?

Thus the idea of a novel service, an innovative Gemach, was born. I am offering to do any surgery that someone would need (and I hope you should never need it Chas V’Shalom) right here in my home. I will do anything, from pulling a tooth, or setting a broken bone, even putting in a stent to unclog a valve of the heart. I won’t charge for my services and no job will be too big or too small. It will be a pure Chessed to help those in need.

You might be baffled on how I can do something like this. But think about it for a second, I never went to medical school, so I don’t have any tuition debt that I have to pay up. A kitchen knife, a standard hammer, and a utility scissors-I have those tools in my house already. I don’t have to invest in any expensive medical equipment. I have no overhead costs to cover; it won’t cost me a cent. That is how I plan on committing to such a huge undertaking and passing it on free of charge.

One disclaimer I will issue; I don’t know the difference between the stomach and liver. I know a heart has four valves, but I've never seen a real one. In fact, I’ve actually never seen any organ that is inside the human body. But I do have one thing going for me. I want to help people and I really mean well. Fatal risks involved? Likely. But I can assure you that there will be no 'arois gevarfena gelt. involved, whatsoever.

Now obviously I made up this whole ridiculous story to prove a point, and here it is.

There are many people around; sometimes it is a concerned neighbor or friend, sometimes even an upstanding member of the community, who give of their precious time to others. They will provide a listening ear to the Tzaros that people go through. They offer Eitzos and Hadracha culled from their Seichel Hayashar, often basing it on their Torah Hashkafa.

Do they understand trauma? No. What about abuse? Not that either. So much so that they don’t even understand why people spend hundreds of hours training in these fields. Its arois gevarfene gelt. They can do it for free. They know how to be available all the time; they know how to be sympathetic; they know Sifrei Mussar; they know better.

The risks involved? Equally as fatal as me providing surgery. But I would be considered an Achzar, they, Tzaddikim. Make no mistake. It is one and the same.

If you do not have training in trauma, you don’t know what you are doing. Do a real Chessed for the ones who are hurting, leave it to the professionals to do the job required to help and heal the unfortunate victim. You need to understand that you don’t understand, that this is something deeper and more far reaching than you can imagine. Have the strength and humility to recognize that you need to refer to someone who is trained to deal with this. Don’t just say you really care, even though that is how you feel, do something that shows you really do. Be honest with yourself so that you can be honest with others.

I’ll admit my lack of experience and therefore won’t operate on you. I deserve the same treatment in return.