Some Awareness on Awareness

Recently an Orthodox organization had an Evening of Awareness on how to protect our children. It seems to be an organization that is very passionate and also, judging from the publicity that surrounded the event,  well-funded as well. It was definitely well-advertised and well aired. I did not attend, and I also just heard little snips online, so my opinion about this may be totally off. And frankly if it is, then I would be absolutely thrilled.

To be fair, my faith in this organization has been tested. Apparently, the speech given by the Novominsker Rebbe, (speech and my comments here) was supposed to be an endorsement for them from TU. How they managed to get 3 sentences from his speech showing him in support of protecting children from abuse brought out their ingenuity and creativity. Still, amidst my skepticism – even though it is very deep - I have a wish that maybe someone, sometime, can get it right and truly make a difference.

Certainly we all aware that Awareness is only a part, and not the whole, solution. We can’t fix a problem that is not named a problem. And even awareness of the problem is only worth something if it is solution oriented. As with most important areas in life, it is so crucial to be mindful and cognizant about what the goal that is trying to be accomplished, throughout every step of the way. Or else we can get sidetracked in the details and lose track of the bigger picture.

In the situation that we are dealing with, sexual abuse, our community at large has not yet been able to band together to unequivocally prosecute molesters to whatever extent it takes to keep them away from children. Which leads me to wonder, with all this effort being put in to bringing awareness, will it lead to positive, neutral, or possibly even negative results?

I believe there is a very fine line that has to be realized over here. And I digress for a moment by saying, the fine line is not to be 100% sure that a child is saying the absolute truth when he says that someone molested him. This is a snippet I heard from one of the speakers at the Awareness event. He said that there is no room for error on either side, you can’t let someone abuse a child, but you have to be sure that the child is saying the truth. Because if someone is accused falsely of molesting a child his life is ruined forever. Aside from that statement reinforcing the doubt that we are trying to eradicate, that frum looking people are molesting children, it is also factually untrue. My brothers are the most well protected people in society, they have family members that will do whatever it takes to make sure no one ever finds out. I have seen a video of yeshivish men dancing in a court room and hugging someone that was accused of molesting a child, when the judged ruled that there was not enough circumstantial evidence. And I noticed in the congratulatory wishes in the newspaper for the wedding of a son of a Rabbi, shortly after he pleaded guilty and was put on sex offender probation. In fact, the day the there is even a slight negative association to an actual Frum Yid that is accused of being a child molester will be a great victory in the fight towards abuse!

But as I said, I digressed. The fine line I want to discuss is when Awareness can actually be harmful and take people away from the goal they are looking to accomplish.

There are many times in life when we feel that something has to be changed. We have all gone through a situation when we realized, things aren’t working out the way we want and a new plan of action is in order. The question is, what do we do when we feel inside of us that uncomfortable feeling letting us know that what has worked in the past, isn’t working anymore?

Sometimes, we don’t have the strength to make the change. That is where denial comes in useful. It helps cover up the problem, it helps us believe it doesn’t exist anymore. But the thing about denial is, whenever we decide to confront the issue at hand and come out of denial, we can; because we nothing about the situation has changed.

But what if something is done that didn’t solve the situation but makes us feel as if it did? Certainly that would be terrible. On the one hand, it would feel like the problem has been solved, on the other had the problem would still be there!

The Possuk in Mishlei says “Daagah B’Lev Ish Yasichenu L’Acheirim”. If someone has a worry in his heart, he should talk to others. The reason is because, simply the actual talking, even without doing something, makes a person feel better. Verbalizing our pain diminishes a part of it.

So sure it is very important to name the problem in our midst. We have child molesters that are relatives and Rebbeim and Rabonim and children confidantes. However the awareness did not solve the problem. And in fact, even to call it a ‘step in the right direction’, would only be accurate if the path to the finish line is clearly delineated. If not, it is like running very fast, while staying on the ‘hamster wheel’ in life.

So yes, we have now been made aware. And that is one piece of a large complicated puzzle. Some pieces are easier to put together whilst other pieces are still missing to complete it. The puzzle is not a finished masterpiece yet. At all.

And so,please, please let it not cause us to feel better, to believe that something now has actually changed.