My son recently came home from school and told me a joke he
heard that day. There were two Chassidish bochurim that made up between each
other that they are going to ‘go off the derech’. They decided to meet at a bar
that night. One of the boys came with his payos off, no Yarmulkah, and dressed
in jeans and a T-shirt. He was surprised to see his friend waiting there,
dressed in his traditional Chassidish garb, langeh rekel and all.
“Didn’t we make up that we are becoming frei?” He asked his
friend. ”Don’t worry, I’m with you in this.” his friend replied, “I have gum in
my pocket…”
Now of course this is not a true story but it got me
thinking. Ask any of our kids what is expected of them, and I’m sure they have
been trained well enough to give the right answer. For the boys, well it would
be, to be a ‘good boy’, get into a top Mesivta, marry a wonderful girl, and sit
and learn “kol yemie chayav”. A girl would have to add that she is willing to
support her husband, and take care of the kids, the house, the bills, and not
disturb her husband for anything, so that he can learn b’menucha. These are
indeed wonderful aspirations. But is this the only way we are teaching them
that they could succeed?
As a side note, even though this is what is being preached
in the finest Yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs with utmost sincerity, there is still a
little hope that not everyone will follow this path, because they do need money
too. But this will never be stated. We recently received a dinner journal from
my husband’s alma mater, stating that one of the philanthropists of today, an
alumni of the Yeshiva, has now become the ‘executive chairmen of the administrative
committee’. I gave a small chuckle. My husband remembers when he was bounced
out of the place; the successful business he now runs was started in the
Yeshiva’s dorm. I’m sure the Yeshiva didn’t want to be associated with him
then. Fast forward twenty years. Now he is one of the ‘Yeshiva’s alumni’ that
they pride themselves by. But I digress.
Shlomo Hamelech, the smartest of all men, said ‘Chanoch L’na’ar
Al Pi Darko’. This is from one of the most well quoted verses, but I believe it
begs a question. Shouldn’t he have said 'Chanoch L’na’ar Al Pi Haderech’?
Educate your child on the path, the
path to Nitzchius? Could he be insinuating that there is actually more than one
path that the Aibeshter agrees to? If so, why is it that it seems that society is
so judgmental of people not following ‘the script’? Maybe they are following
the path suited for them. Not every child needs to be the community’s idea of
the ‘perfect catch’, and not every child is meant to. As Shlomo Hamelech said,
there are many ways to serve Hashem. Perhaps it is our job to start believing
just that.
If a boy wishes to wear different clothes colors or Yarmulka
fabrics and sizes, it doesn’t mean he has been baptized. If a girl wants to
wear nail polish, she did not necessarily become a hooker. A child with an
appreciation for more upbeat music, doesn’t mean he will be a DJ in a night
club. And getting a job that requires Internet access doesn’t translate into
watching pornography.
It can, however.
If we erroneously stress the ‘one path’, the only Derech, we
are in essence forcing our children to make choices they never intended to
make. ‘Echad Hamarbeh V’Echad Hamamit.’ Perhaps we should start letting our
children be, really be, who they are meant to. And let us see their needs and
desires as something real. Let’s allow them to find their own individuality
without having to throw everything away. Because sometimes, all they really want
is, indeed, only a stick of gum.
Very good point!
ReplyDeleteI wonder what my sem teacher would say to your teitch on 'al pi darko!'
Keep ur posts coming! They r great!
One of your best writings I've ever read if not the best. Will you submit it to any publications?
ReplyDelete