tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49853085120158635432024-02-06T22:00:32.946-05:00Emperor's New ClothesBeen Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-12161279761378008582020-02-23T15:07:00.002-05:002020-02-23T15:07:24.561-05:00Logic and Emotions Can They CoExist?As humans, we have a logical and emotional side to us. Sometimes I have a non logical wish to be purely logical. Black and white. But I can't. I am vulnerable. I am not in charge of what triggers me emotionally, and am very limited by how I can control the reactions that I feel inside of me.<div>
Aside from the usual every day struggles and effects of being molested as a kid; being molested by family members - whoa. Being molested by family members in an insular community -WHOA. Being molested by family members in an insular community, where molestation doesn't happen, because frum Yidden don't do those things, <strike>WWWHHHOOOAAA!</strike> There are no words.</div>
<div>
I am writing this out so that I can maybe see that there is some support, as it is so, so lonely (and lonliness really hurts) or maybe just writing it will help me get it out (keeping it in hasn't been so helpful either).</div>
<div>
It took a long time to admit to myself that I was molested by 2 brothers. I felt that being molested by <b>two</b> means that there is something wrong with me. It made me feel so ashamed. Like I'm a loser. </div>
<div>
One of my brothers molested me early on. He has since admitted that he did it. (Not that I get any support or validation from my family, as they want it swept under the rug, but that is not the point I am focusing on right now)</div>
<div>
Another brother molested me when I was 11 & 12. He is "upstanding". He is "religious looking". He has a charisamtic personality and a great sense of humor. And I always had a good relationship with him. I really always wanted to wish it away. I tried for years and years. </div>
<div>
Years ago, (against professional advice), I decided to let him know that I remembered what he did to me. It was, for what I thought then, the way I thought I would solve an issue that was constantly coming up. I called him up and spoke to him. </div>
<div>
His response? He couldn't remember any of it and he had no idea what I was talking about. </div>
<div>
He told me maybe I was looking to badmouth him like I badmouthed my other brother. (Logic: my other brother admitted to abusing me. Emotion: Help! He is saying I am a liar and want to make up stories) I got scared and the next day I called him up and said I wasn't planning on telling anyone, I was just trying to solve the issue that was coming up, so he doesn't have to worry. He brushed me off.</div>
<div>
Shortly after this conversation I found out that he told my parents I am making up stories about him, and he called up Brother Molester #1 and said that I made up stories about the both of them. This was very scary for me</div>
<div>
This happened years ago. And I am still traumatized from the fallouts that continuously happen.</div>
<div>
We share the same family. Simchos are torture for me. My sister in law ignores me, like I do not exist. And each and every time I go, I get so affected, I get so traumatized, I feel so low and horrible. I am affected for days. I get so angry that I am the pariah. That my family is not there for me. She monoplizes the conversation with the family like I don't exist. It makes me feel so worthless and angry that my family doesn't even care about me. </div>
<div>
There was a time that I did not go to Simchos at all. I could not hack it. And it was never a discussion in my family. No one said anything. I always felt that they were mad at me for causing "Machlokes". And at times I wondered if I should just "cut it off" from all of them. </div>
<div>
But it is not so simple. I have nieces and nephews that I am friendly with. I come from a large family. There are memories we share, relationships that we have. Tight knit community, also really does not help the situation. Everyone knows everyone.</div>
<div>
And also, I have kids. Kids that have cousins. I so much do not want to pass down my hurt to them.</div>
<div>
This is going on for years. What changed now? Well, my sister-in-law's mother died last year, so she was in Aveilus for a year. I was so excited that I was able to partake in Simchas again! And I saw that my family really enjoys having me around. We have developed a sort of delicate dance that we sidestep this big issue and just "be family". I was able to focus and appreciate the good times and the good conversations.</div>
<div>
But all things must come to an end, and alas, the year is over. And I was recently by my niece's vort and sure enough, she walked in completely ignored my presence like I wasn't there. And all my "strength" and "logic" crumpled. I felt completely traumatized, and regressed to places I thought I would never be in again. Oh! If only logic would help. If only emotions wouldn't be so strong. </div>
<div>
Now today I had a conversation with a member of my family. I took the risk to mention that I felt bad to be ignored. And I was told "But what should she (my sister-in-law) do? She feels like you said something untrue about her husband and spread a lie. I had a conversation about this a while ago with her and she feels she deserves an apology for what I said."</div>
<div>
I questioned if now <b>she</b> is the victim and was told "There are 2 sides, she said, he said. I wasn't there... I find it hard to imagine it happened..." I was further told that the family does not know what to do, and is "not taking sides.". </div>
<div>
I had a long conversation (The first one really ever in my family) This person really did not mean to be hurtful with what was said. And I believe that. For this is what they truly believe. </div>
<div>
I think I have a lot of emotional rants about all of this. Maybe I will write about each one. </div>
<div>
But for now I came out with two things.</div>
<div>
1. So my sister-in-law is "rightfully" ignoring me, because she feels I slandered her husband so she is mad at me until I apologize. Somehow, it was slightly comforting. She is above 50, if this is how she needs to act, so let her be. (Note to self: Very easy to say this when I do not see her..)</div>
<div>
2. My family sees this as a rift in the family, with 2 sides and is hard for them to deal with, and they are willing to accept both of us. Family is complicated in that way.</div>
<div>
For a little bit, I was able to see it like that. But now a couple hours later -----</div>
<div>
I DID NOTHING WRONG. I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE RE-PUNISHED EVERY FAMILY GATHERING. I SHOULD BE BELIEVED, AND NOT DOUBTED. IT IS A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE FEELING.</div>
<div>
I am feeling so mad, so lost, so scared and spiraling to a place of helplessness and hoplessness.</div>
<div>
I am hoping to reach a place of acceptance of the limitations of my family, and appreciation of what they can offer. </div>
<div>
But for now SCREW LOGIC, I JUST WANT TO BE UNMOLESTED. NOW! NOW! NOW!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-33787904072641641902017-09-26T21:15:00.000-04:002017-09-26T21:15:11.022-04:00Voice Recognition<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When the youngest was abused</span><br />
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">By not one older but two</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Threw the family into a quandary</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Didn't know what to do</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Such horrible news</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And what awful shame</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It brings on our family</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It brings to our name</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What can we do</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To keep us untainted?</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If the truth will reveal</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We'll lose all acquainted</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We can't change the past</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So not much of a choice</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We must protect ourselves </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We will take away her Voice</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We will question her again</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And express our doubt,</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We will blame, we will fault</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And her Voice won't come out</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Convince her she needs</span></div>
<div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To lie because she's ill</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And she's vying for attention</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We will keep her Voice still</span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We will plague her with guilt</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And express our disbelief</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We will accuse of family torn apart</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her Voice - the cause of all grief</span></div>
</div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">With pressure and force</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We will do the job right</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Until confident we feel</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And can sleep peaceful at night.</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And years of pain</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Of self blame and self doubt</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All bottled within</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Cause silence can't shout</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But slowly she realizes</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Voices - its' hers alone</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Cannot be stolen or squelched</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She's in charge of the tone</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She doesn't need them to listen</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Doesn't need them to approve</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Their control is a facade</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her Voice - they can not remove</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And she promises herself</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To cherish and protect her truth</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To be there now when no one was</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There for her back in her youth</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She feels fear as this is new</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her own Voice she hardly recognizes</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It sounds low; it sounds rusty</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yet more powerful than she ever realizes</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She can't change them or her past</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But it's all her choice</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Despite the menace; the threats</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">No one can take away her Voice</span></div>
</div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-75623711018845509782017-01-23T22:25:00.000-05:002017-01-23T22:50:44.334-05:00What a Donald Trump Victory Means To Me; a molestation victim’s perspective<div class="MsoNormal">
Let me preface this by saying that I am not an ardent
political activist, nor am I much involved. I tend to pride myself as being a
conservative, while the truth is I barely know much about conservatism or
liberalism and what they both represent. I both appreciated the extra tax
refund gotten a couple of years ago as part of some government initiative, and
resented my insurance premiums going up due to ObamaCare. I also spent a large
portion of my adult life living overseas so I did not have the ability to form
an adult political viewpoint of my own. And it never bothered me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is until Trump decided to run for president. At first,
I believed it to be a publicity stunt. He had no depth nor content. Instead he
had a sharp answer, one that didn’t even answer the questions, or even
portrayed logic. Statements not backed up by facts. 'Keeping people out of the
country and having them pay for it'.Ludicrous. Irrational. Almost comical.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How can someone who says such stupid things get far? How can
allegations be exposed, that would ruin anyone’s credence and credentials, be dismissed
and overridden? How can someone who is so mean to others not be held
responsible for his actions? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I did not dream it would happen. But he defied my wildest
imagination. He became the Republican nominee. Through defamation. He decimated
each candidate, one at a time, with his nicknames and untruths about them. Through
intimidation. He manipulated conversations by not allowing them to be of substance.
He made sure no one dared to contradict him by literally interrupting them and
talking over them. Through fabrication. He said whatever was need to get to the
end of the sentence, so long he got the last word.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He said illogical things, he acted immature, and
contradicted himself again and again. And he was mean and fought low. Lower
than anyone in such a distinguished position would ever go. And he defended his
actions and reactions by portraying himself as having been forced to act like
that. Certainly people would see straight through him and his farce. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But no! He had supporters, and defenders, and people that
were willing to explain why everything he said and did was really right and
just. It sounded wild, almost surreal, that someone like that would even have a
fighting chance to run a country. Yet he was actually voted in! By millions and
millions of people!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And to me, personally, it was living a nightmare all over
again. I have lived and live through this crazy making experience again and
again. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Thoughts of previous conversations flood my mind<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul>
<li><i>Certainly the onus would be on me, were my brothers’ to be exposed and
the family name defaced. The shame I would cause upon such a respected family in the communtiy. How would I dare?</i></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i>It would not be fair to my brothers’ families were it be
that my brothers’ not be invited to a family gathering, would I want to be
there. Self-understood, no? I mean what did they do wrong to suffer?</i></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i>As a family we may have handled the situation wrong. But now it is my obligation and opportunity to restore peace to the family.</i></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i>If my brother blatantly denied that he ever did something to
me, then how could my father not believe him? Why would he lie? To his father? </i></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><i>And as a mother, even if a son molested her daughter, she
has an equal obligation to be there for him as well. He is still her son.</i></li>
</ul>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The logic displayed above is seen as misconstrued only by
me. To my family, these are valid points; there is truth to this that there are two sides
over here and it is not so simple. And I am only one and they and their
supporters are many. At times of strength this feels infuriating, but most
times, it simply feels disheartening.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When Trump became President I felt as if I was personally
punched in the face. Not because I care about politics, because I don’t. But
because deep down I believed that evil cannot succeed. I believed that pushing
people down doesn’t lift you up. I always held unto the fact that manipulation
and force won’t make you a winner. Ultimately it is the good and good people, that will triumph and succeed. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I was proven wrong.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The highest position of power in the United States was
achieved through bullying and manipulation. Through shaming and degradation. Through
people supporting, rationalizing, accepting and defending such behavior. Even cheering him on!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This has been a crushing blow, a nightmare relived. Of a
small child unprotected, unheard and unbelieved. Of someone being drowned out
by the loudness and power of abusers, left to feel hopeless and helpless. That
there is no way for me, and my reality, to ever have a voice.<o:p></o:p></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-59501489496773808822016-09-17T23:09:00.002-04:002016-09-17T23:35:54.918-04:00Some Awareness on Awareness<div class="MsoNormal">
Recently an Orthodox organization had an Evening of
Awareness on how to protect our children. It seems to be an organization that
is very passionate and also, judging from the publicity that surrounded the event,
well-funded as well. It was definitely
well-advertised and well aired. I did not attend, and I also just heard little
snips online, so my opinion about this may be totally off. And frankly if it is,
then I would be absolutely thrilled. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be fair, my faith in this organization has been tested.
Apparently, the speech given by the Novominsker Rebbe, <a href="https://newemperorclothes.blogspot.com/2016/06/if-it-aint-broke-dont-fix-it-there-cant.html" target="_blank">(speech and my comments here)</a> was supposed to be an endorsement
for them from TU. How they managed to get 3 sentences from his speech showing
him in support of protecting children from abuse brought out their ingenuity
and creativity. Still, amidst my skepticism – even though it is very deep - I have
a wish that maybe someone, sometime, can get it right and truly make a difference.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Certainly we all aware that Awareness is only a part, and
not the whole, solution. We can’t fix a problem that is not named a problem. And
even awareness of the problem is only worth something if it is solution
oriented. As with most important areas in life, it is so crucial to be mindful
and cognizant about what the goal that is trying to be accomplished, throughout
every step of the way. Or else we can get sidetracked in the details and lose
track of the bigger picture.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the situation that we are dealing with, sexual abuse, our
community at large has not yet been able to band together to unequivocally prosecute
molesters to whatever extent it takes to keep them away from children. Which
leads me to wonder, with all this effort being put in to bringing awareness,
will it lead to positive, neutral, or possibly even negative results?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I believe there is a very fine line that has to be realized
over here. And I digress for a moment by saying, the fine line is <b>not </b>to be 100% sure that a child is
saying the absolute truth when he says that someone molested him. This is a
snippet I heard from one of the speakers at the Awareness event. He said that
there is no room for error on either side, you can’t let someone abuse a child,
but you have to be sure that the child is saying the truth. Because if someone
is accused falsely of molesting a child his life is ruined forever. Aside from
that statement reinforcing the doubt that we are trying to eradicate, that frum
looking people <b>are molesting children, </b>it
is also factually untrue. My brothers are the most well protected people in
society, they have family members that will do whatever it takes to make sure
no one ever finds out. I have seen a video of yeshivish men dancing in a court
room and hugging someone that was accused of molesting a child, when the judged
ruled that there was not enough circumstantial evidence. And I noticed in the congratulatory
wishes in the newspaper for the wedding of a son of a Rabbi, shortly after he
pleaded guilty and was put on sex offender probation. In fact, the day the there
is even a slight negative association to an actual Frum Yid that is accused of
being a child molester will be a great victory in the fight towards abuse! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But as I said, I digressed. The fine line I want to discuss
is when Awareness can actually be harmful and take people away from the goal
they are looking to accomplish. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are many times in life when we feel that something has
to be changed. We have all gone through a situation when we realized, things
aren’t working out the way we want and a new plan of action is in order. The
question is, what do we do when we feel inside of us that uncomfortable feeling
letting us know that what has worked in the past, isn’t working anymore? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes, we don’t have the strength to make the change.
That is where denial comes in useful. It helps cover up the problem, it helps
us believe it doesn’t exist anymore. But the thing about denial is, whenever we
decide to confront the issue at hand and come out of denial, we can; because we
nothing about the situation has changed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what if something is done that didn’t solve the
situation but makes us feel as if it did? Certainly that would be terrible. On
the one hand, it would <b>feel </b>like the
problem has been solved, on the other had<b> the
problem would still be there!<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Possuk in Mishlei says “Daagah B’Lev Ish Yasichenu L’Acheirim”.
If someone has a worry in his heart, he should talk to others. The reason is
because, simply the actual talking, even without doing something, makes a
person feel better. Verbalizing our pain diminishes a part of it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So sure it is very important to name the problem in our midst.
We have child molesters that are relatives and Rebbeim and Rabonim and children
confidantes. However the awareness did not solve the problem. And in fact, even
to call it a ‘step in the right direction’, would only be accurate if the path to
the finish line is clearly delineated. If not, it is like running very fast, while staying on
the ‘hamster wheel’ in life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
So yes, we have now been made aware. And that is one piece of
a large complicated puzzle. Some pieces are easier to put together whilst other
pieces are still missing to complete it. The puzzle is not a finished masterpiece yet. At all.<br />
<br />
And so,please, please let it not cause us
to feel better, to believe that something now has actually changed. <o:p></o:p></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-52467418474271818832016-09-11T09:28:00.001-04:002016-09-11T09:36:58.873-04:00CarcAsses Et. Al.The first word that comes to mind when I think of molestation is denial. Certainly in my family. Certainly in our community. And certainly in my family. It is a phenomena that can only be called incredible, or no I take that back, more accurately insanity. Adults inappropriately touching little kids, should cause outrage! These ill people should be publicly shunned by all - that would actually be the knee jerk human response. Instead, the first response is disbelief. And then comes the cover up. And ultimately, protection of the predator. In one word - denial.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Is it because it is so awful that people can't wrap their heads around it, so they deny that it is happening? I don't think so. I think it is because a molester in our community belongs to a family, a shul, a community. If they were to be exposed, then it means that it is a reflection of the people around them. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Sadly they don't realize that this not true. Molesters are dangerous and harmful. Not only to the children they hurt, but even to the whole religion they hold near and dear. Children who are abused, 'act out' in ways that 'taints' their religious practices. This doesn't reflect the community well. Furthermore, standing up to a molester shows that you are not associated with such behavior, that you abhor sexual abuse. Even if it is a family member, by exposing them you are distancing yourself from them. And when you protect them, they do become a reflection of you. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. This is the horrible cycle. Called denial.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Sometimes I think of molestation and the subsequent cover up of the abuse in analogous terms. A molester that is being protected is like a dead animal in the house. Instead of getting rid of the carcass, the protectors put a cover over it. A nice, fancy, decorated cover. But then, as a dead animal tends to do, it starts to rot and stink. And so the deniers then go and spray deodorizers. It helps for a little, and then it starts to smell again. And the quest continues, for stronger air fresheners, different brands.<br />
<br />
But it never ends, because the dead animal is still there. Brief respites? Maybe. But it never ends, because the dead animal is still there.<br />
<br />
This is the story of my family. There has somehow become two 'sides' in the family. There is me, and there are them, two of them. The family is on 'both sides'. They treat my abusers like regular normal siblings. Especially now that we lost a brother, unity in the family is so much more important. They are respected, and revered. But my siblings take 'great care' not to involve me in those interactions. They talk to me separately, email me separately, and don't mention their names to me.<br />
<br />
Or at least try. Every once in a while there is a slip up. Air freshener doesn't last forever when trying to combat a carcass. I will be included in an email with my brothers on it. Or a sibling (or parent) will say something that just happened with my abusers. Sometimes, they catch themselves mid-sentence, and switch from saying the name of my brother - and substitute instead with 'someone'. Sure there is an uncomfortable moment, but not uncomfortable enough to realize that they are protecting the wrong people, fighting the wrong battles. It is just a wake up call, to resolve to try harder, or in this analogy, use a different and stronger brand.<br />
<br />
My father called me (an unusual occurrence in itself) after the wedding and thanked me for coming, he said 'I made his eyes light up' when he saw me. I mumbled some half-hearted response, saying 'alright', as he continued on effusively. Amongst the conglomeration of feelings that hit me - fury, despair, disgust, bewilderment, and hurt - I also was stuck with a clarity.<br />
<br />
He is battling so hard, try so desperately to hold on to his illusions that all is well. The fact that I showed up at the wedding, was the strongest 'scent deterrent' he ever had! But nothing changed. On his part that is. He will continue to dismiss and deny and ignore. But I was able to realize something different. The clarity that I felt, the change that I realized is that he may think he has accomplished unity, But I know he is cementing a divide.<br />
<br />
They can all hold hands together, believe we are one big happy family, and disillusion themselves. I am not and will not be part of it. And amidst the pain I feel, a small feeling of liberation creeps in as well.Because no matter how hard they are trying they will never prevail.<br />
<br />
Their tactics will never work. The only way to get rid of the stench is to uncover and remove the dead animal from their midst. Air fresheners are no match for rotting flesh. </div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-32138209943445223742016-09-09T12:51:00.003-04:002016-09-09T14:31:39.295-04:00Eichah Yashvah Boddod..<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
There is some solace in mourning together but great
heartbreak in mourning alone. <br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A little over a year ago I lost a brother of mine to cancer.
I am in no way recovered from the loss, at all. Still, there was something
comforting about a levaya of all of us crying; of a shiva when people came and
shared in our pain. Tzaros Rabbim Chatzi Nechama.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In stark contrast was the wedding I went to this week. A
different brother over here, one that molested me, made a wedding for his daughter, my
niece. In truth, I didn’t think I would get an invitation to the wedding at all. When
my husband told the Kallah Mazel Tov, shortly after her engagement by a family
bris, her mother who was standing there abruptly turned her head the other way.
Three weeks prior to the wedding at my brother’s Yartzheit Seudah, my sister-in-law blatantly ignored my existence. In fact the invitation which I did not
think I would get, came a mere two weeks prior to the wedding. And it was a
decision I agonized about, to go or not to, ultimately choosing between worse
and worser, as there are no ideal solution for these scenarios.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I decided to go to the wedding and to leave prior to the dancing,
which I did. I feel the decision worked well for me. But still, it didn’t negate
or take away the pain,that comes from these situations. Not during, and not subsequently after. Not from my mother saying “I am so glad you are coming. You will see everything
will get better from here” – nor to a sibling of mine sending an email that 'he saw
me at the Chupa, and couldn’t find me at the dancing, but was glad that we met ‘oif
simchos’ '. Their denial is so hurtful to me, it feels crushing and devastating.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it struck me – to be mourning, when others are
celebrating; to be hurting when others are sharing joy – just adds. It causes
the pain of origin to expand and grow; to mushroom into gargantuan proportions.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve come to the
realization recently that opposites are not always that far apart. Was my
decision to go a sign of strength or weakness? Or was it a mixture of both? A death
is known as a time for mourning, and a wedding a time of rejoicing. But what
about this wedding ? I certainly didn’t feel any rejoiceful feelings; in fact
mournful would be a more apt description of how I felt. And still feel. One would contrast the seven days of Aveilus to the 7 days of Sheva Brochos. I'm feeling them comparable. What I once believed to
be chasms apart have now blurred to very fine lines; so fine that I am finding
it hard to make the distinction.<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Family focused on the
couple walking the aisle – while strengthening their denial<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
An occasion that is
Simcha making – has my heart breaking<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
And an opportunity<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
That should have
relationships strengthened and resown – leaves me feeling alone, oh so alone.</div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-70889022052165038492016-06-23T20:59:00.000-04:002016-06-29T20:39:03.336-04:00IF IT AIN’T BROKE, DON’T FIX IT <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/QalI4udGEDI/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/QalI4udGEDI?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe><br />
<br />
(*See below for transcript of the speech)<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
This, my friends, is the proclamation and response to molestation in the Frum community.<br />
<br />
As he is addressing me, a blogger, naturally it would only make sense for me to respond.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Truthfully, the first thing that comes to mind is what was found in Winston Churchill's notes on one of his speeches "weak point. speak louder." Indeed. Indeed. If you can't address the issue at hand, then at least distract by doing something else. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is this speech supposed to make us feel comforted? More secure? Wiser? Prouder to be a Yid?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a joke I've once heard. Someone asked a friend for a phone
number. The friend replied “Oh I know it. 555-4 - I can’t remember the middle two numbers –
but it ends in 6”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a reason we can laugh at that. Being vague and general doesn’t help much when there is
a specific purpose to be accomplished, does it?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember when I was in Grade school, a friend of mine had
a cold and stayed home from school. She didn’t catch up on the school work she
missed, and was scared my teacher wouldn’t accept ‘the common cold’ as a valid
excuse. And so her mother wrote “Please excuse Chani’s absence, she had an
upper respiratory infection”. And sure enough she was excused. A cold, the teacher
knew very well what that was; but wording it as an ‘upper respiratory
infection’, who knows what that is? It has the word infection in it. Sounds ominous enough to be excused.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This speech reminds me of that note. Make it sound like something, something big. So long it sounds like that. Vague points, ma'amarei Chazal, a sprinkle of Yiddish, a krechtz, a sigh, and he addressed, boldly addressed, 'it'. But can <b>we </b>be so bold and ask, addressed what? Accomplished what? How are our children, we as a community, any safer than we were prior to this speech?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This isn’t politics, where hand gesticulations, tone modulations, and superlatives can get you through the sentence.This is matters of life and death. Pikuach Nefashos Mamesh,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This also isn’t an immigrant trying to express ideas without being able to speak his using his native tongue, he is an American. He even has a college degree. He is a powerful orator, articulate speaker, and
known to have a brilliant mind. What is all this fumfiting all about? This is all he can say about the horrific situation?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, I am not going to say which point he made that hurt most, although there are plenty of them that are vying for first place. Instead, I will let you know my spin on how and where I think this speech veered into netherland.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a story told of a man in Chelm who hired a Ba'al Agala, a wagon driver, to take him to his destination. He cautioned the driver about a large pit that was on the main road, and asked him to take the side roads instead. "Don't worry, son," the driver told him, "I've been driving on this road for 10 years now, every single day. You have nothing to be concerned about." The man fell asleep in the wagon, and was woken up by a jerk and a thud. The wagon fell into the pit on the main road! The very one he cautioned the driver about! "Isn't it interesting," mused the driver, "I've been driving on this road for 10 years now. Every single day. And every time I come to this pit I fall in."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Interesting indeed...This is the point I want to bring out. When a problem isn't verbalized, when it isn't addressed clearly and specifically, it is not possible to come up with a solution for it. So long we don't admit exactly what the issue at hand is, we can't begin to solve it. If the problem is vague, the solution can't be much clearer,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And with this, I want to share my thoughts, and I will attempt to be as clear and precise as possible.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We all know that there are abuse victims in the community. Everyone knows this. And here is the natural next obvious step that must be understood, internalized, and subsequently dealt with. <b>If there are victims, then that means there are perpetrators; not bloggers, not people that sue 40 years later; but proof that there are sexual predators.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This realization forces us (and if it doesn't, certainly it must force us) to conclude that perpetrators <u>must</u> be kept away from children so that they don't harm anyone anymore.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>It doesn't matter if you are a Rov, a teacher, a neighbor, a father, a brother. It doesn't matter if you are part of a Chassidus, a community or a family of prestige. If you hurt a child, if you sexually assaulted anyone, you have to be kept away from society.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is no need to shift the blame on the victims, on the communities, on Avonoseinu Harabim (which, by the way, where does that come in?? But I digress). There is no need to blame anyone but the molesters themselves. And also the Rabbonim, the communities and families that are protecting and allowing child molesters to continue to harm, devastate and decimate our children.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>We have a problem. </b>I am living proof that the problem exists. I have friends that are living proof that the problem exists. And sadly, I have friends that are no longer living - but are certainly proof that the problem exists.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Molesters must be dealt with. Molesters must be kept away from children. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How should it be dealt with? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With community as caring as ours, as intelligent as ours - we can figure it out. So long we realize that the time has come<b> to become solution oriented.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Especially <b>Al Pi Da'as Torah.</b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<i>*Here is the speech -transcribed and translated by Yerachmiel Lopin. Yerachmiel kindly gave me permission to use his transcription; heck, it was tough for me to listen to it even once! </i><br />
(This is the link to Yerachmiel's comments - well thought out - on this speech <a href="https://frumfollies.wordpress.com/2016/06/05/agudath-israel-head-opposes-sol-reform-or-going-straight-to-police-about-csa-while-complaining-that-bloggers-lie-about-haredi-rabbis/" target="_blank">Agudath Israel Head Opposes SOL Reform or Going Straight to Police about CSA While Complaining that Bloggers Lie about Haredi Rabbis</a> )<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">One of the problems that we are facing, more today, that we weren't aware of,
and it has to be mentioned, for a number of reasons, is the abuse of young
people,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">b’oifen gufni</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(physical abuse) and molestation,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">al d’avoinoseinu harabim</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><i><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; padding: 0in;"> </span></i></span>(which
because of our many sins), have gotten into our<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">tzibur</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><i><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; padding: 0in;"> </span></i></span>(community).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="outline: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And the<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">litzonei hador</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(mockers of this generation) feel that
we don’t care about it. The bloggers feel that the Haredi world dismisses the
problem and a. they are not sufficiently sympathetic to the victims and b. they
don’t do, they don’t care; they are interested in protecting the perpetrators.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="outline: 0px;">
<em><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">Muz ich eich zugen dus iz
sheker vikozev</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><i><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;"> </span></i></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">(I have to tell you
this is a lie and a falsehood). The<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">rabbonim</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(rabbis) sitting here, knowing perhaps
better than I do, how many hours and hours and dozens of hours throughout these
last years we’ve sat and deliberated and talked about every single aspect of
this problem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="outline: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And how we have to
see to it that the predators are not there to disturb our children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">How parents have to be sensitive and conscious as to how to talk to
their children, and how to sensitize them in an intelligent way against people
who<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">chulilah vechas</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(G-d forbid) are in<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">sakanah</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(danger) of molesting them [when they
go to camp and when they go elsewhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="outline: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And how when there is<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">raglayim lidavor</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>ven<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">men meg yeh redden tzu</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(substance to the abuse allegation
when you can talk to) the authorities<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">un ven men meg nisht redden</span></em>(and
when you can’t talk). I won’t go into the details.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="outline: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But I feel I have to
say it because I’ve heard and other<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">rabbonim</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(rabbis) have heard that we are being
accused of not being sufficiently sympathetic or sensitive to this issue.<em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">Und ich zug az iz sheker
vikozov</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><i><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; padding: 0in;"> </span></i></span>(I
say that it is a lie and and a falsehood).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="outline: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Yes, we want to
protect our<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">mosdos</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(organizations). We want to be able to
prevent somebody who wakes up 40 years later and he sues a yeshiva for
something that happened who knows how many years ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="outline: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But at the same time
we have no sympathy for perpetrators.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;">
<em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">Und min darf zey mitapel zein, rachmonis oif
em und helfen</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">(We have to take care
of them, have mercy on them and help), the victims.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="outline: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I say this as a<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">maimad hamuskar</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(parenthetical statement), in order to
speak<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">birabim</span></em>(in public) about one
little aspect, as to what our community faces from the<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">litzonai hador</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><i><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; padding: 0in;"> </span></i></span>(mockers
of this generation)<em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">. Halevai</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(If only) if they would only be<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">litzonim</span></em>(mockers).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="outline: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">They are<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; padding: 0in;">mazikim</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(wreckers) as well, those who are
always ready to accuse us, to criticize us, out of a disrespect for Torah, for
its values, for its principles, and as to how questions are decided-<span class="apple-converted-space"> <b><i>A</i></b></span><em style="outline: 0px;"><span style="border-image-outset: initial; border-image-repeat: initial; border-image-slice: initial; border-image-source: initial; border-image-width: initial; border: 1pt none windowtext; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; padding: 0in;"><span style="color: black;"><b>l Pi Daas Torah</b></span></span></em>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-47441709687833014302016-02-22T22:59:00.002-05:002016-02-23T22:22:40.435-05:00The Fifth Chelek<div class="MsoNormal">
All the Halachos
extrapolated from the Torah are discussed and elucidated in the 4 chalakim of
Shulchan Aruch. But there are also hanhagos that are common sense. So much so,
they don’t even have to be spelled out. Some refer to this as the ‘fifth’
chelek of Shulchan Aruch.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Over the years I realized there were certain things that
were terrible things to do, absolutely forbidden. Yet, they weren’t brought
down or written anywhere. But they were obviously wrong. From the strong reactions I have received, I knew that these must be part of the 'fifth chelek'.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here are some examples:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><u>Unseasoned Greetings<o:p></o:p></u></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->As someone that works in the banking industry, I
am very fond of the secular Holidays. Memorial Day or Labor Day, I’m not
partial. I love the free vacation days that they offer me. In a certain sense it is even better than Yom Tov, because I get a day off and my kids still have
school. This year I did feel a little
cheated though, because Christmas and New Years both fell out on Friday. Oh
well. But anyways, when I spoke to my mother to say Good Shabbos, I jokingly
wished her “Merry Christmas." She swiftly replied with a sense of horror in her
voice. “I did <b>not </b>appreciate that. I
am offended!” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
And thus I was introduced to
Cardinal Sin # 1 of the fifth Chelek. The word Christmas must never be uttered.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><u>Taken for a Ride<o:p></o:p></u></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->My sister came into town for Shabbos to
celebrate the Shalom Zachor of her newest grandson. I was too exhausted Friday
night, but decided to walk over to extend my wishes on Shabbos afternoon. She
was staying by my nephew’s house, close to 2 and half miles from where I live.
Understandably they were very surprised to see me. “How did you get here?” my
nephew asked in slight confusion. “By taxi.” I quipped. Right away my sister
put her finger to her lips and said “SHHH!”. “I know,” I continued. “Don’t tell
anyone.” “No,” she said “You are not allowed to talk like that.” Oh.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
Cardinal Sin # 2. Don’t even
mention a fabricated scenario of Chillul Shabbos<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><u>Grave Sins<o:p></o:p></u></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I recently lost a brother to cancer. He did not
even make it to his 55<sup>th</sup> birthday. He was an exceptionally devoted son,
brother, uncle and wonderful friend to all. He loved and cared for everyone
that he came into contact with. It was a huge loss for everyone who knew him,
certainly his wife and family. Since he was Niftar there have been 3 births of
great nephews, one even born during the Shloshim. Surprisingly, not one of my
nephews named their newborn son after him. It wasn’t a coincidence though; there was an
actual cheshbon. He was niftar young and he had a hard life, so ‘sigh’ it is
not so poshut to give his name. Instead, the right thing to do is name after a
Gadol. Aside from being hurt, I am puzzled. Are we supposed to believe that
Hashem gave him the Nisyonos; and his job, was just to do his best with what
life threw at him? Apparently not. Instead, we are to believe that we can
control the future of our children by the names we give them. Perpetuating the
legacy of an incredible person who was there for us, is suddenly insignificant
when we now have the chance be there for him. Because we can control destiny. Even
if it means hurting his Almonoh in the process. We are in control our childrens' fate.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
Cardinal Sin # 3. Don’t die young. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><u>The Cleaning Service<o:p></o:p></u></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I was raised knowing that the most important
thing you can and are obligated to accomplish is to keep your house ‘spit and
polished’. Being a balabusta was the ultimate compliment, and lack thereof, the
ultimate insult. I was quite young, when
I overheard the whispers “Her house is neat, but is it clean?!?. And did you
see the inside of her closets?!?” I will never forget the shame and degradation
that were associated with those words. This lesson was well internalized by my
family. Even though I am in my 30’s I know better than to take out a sheet from
the linen closet at my parents’ home. I wouldn’t dare risk messing it up. In
fact, there is an anecdote in the family that predates my time, but one that I
know well. When my sister was in 3<sup>rd</sup> grade her teacher gave them
time before Pesach to rid the classroom of Chometz. While the girls cleaned the
crumbs and snacks out of their cubbies and desks, my sister was busy
sweeping-the corners of the classroom. Her teacher asked her why she was doing
that, to which she confidently answered “My mother says if the corners of the
room are not clean, then the whole room is not clean.” And she continued with
her vigorous sweeping.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
Cardinal Sin # 4. If your house and
closets are not immaculate, you are worthy of being judged and shamed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><u>Occupational Hazards<o:p></o:p></u></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Close to a decade ago, we applied, as many in our
town did, to HUD, <a href="http://portal.hud.gov/hudportal/HUD" target="_blank">http://portal.hud.gov/hudportal/HUD</a> to help pay for our rent. As of late, we are having a hard
time making ends meet. It was a wonderful surprise to receive a letter in the
mail informing us that we were (finally!) approved for HUD. Upon further
studying the income guidelines, we realized that if we were to report all what
the agency considered income, we would likely not be eligible for the program.
We spoke to numerous people, even asked a couple of Shailos, and were told it
was okay. I did not feel comfortable with this. I felt that once you start ‘justifying’
here and there, who knows where that can lead you to? And so we started to
explore the options of my husband leaving Kollel. I mentioned this to my
mother. “So he will become a Rebbi?” My mother asked. I answered he will likely
take a course. “You mean in <b><i>computers</i>??”</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
Cardinal Sin # 5. The ends (Torah learning) don't need to justify the means (cheating? lying?). Torah is, indeed, 'de beste sechorah'!<o:p></o:p></div>
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p></div>
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On the flip side, anything regarding molestation or
molesters, not only don’t make it to the top five, it doesn’t make it to the list
at all. In fact, the reactions I have received were at best lukewarm and apathetic.
Anything pertaining to this topic is to be ignored, and if had to have
been mentioned, then at least should have been forgiven already.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For example:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Regarding Brother X<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“K, so just because he did that a couple times, it doesn’t mean
there is still something wrong with him.” <i>(And
the fact that he fled the country because he got in trouble with the law is
completely irrelevant, wouldn’t you think.)<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’ve spoken to a professional, it seems that the recovery
process can take up to 5 years. Can you do it any quicker?” <i>(Quite paradoxical. Someone that can put a
time limit on recovery, isn’t much of a professional. And they also didn’t
mention the recovery process needed for unsupportive family and friends, ‘it
seems’.)<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Look at him today, with his long beard and peyos, why are
you harping on things from the past?” <i>(Beards
grow, if you don’t shave. That’s just part of nature Funny how someone could
get so much credit for the <b>absence </b>of
doing something.)<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And regarding Brother XX<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“He completely denied doing anything to you. So what am I
supposed to do?” <i>(Be grateful I guess?
Can you imagine if he would have <b>admitted</b>
it?)<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You know he is ready to forgive you, if you would just
apologize to him” <i>(Truth is stranger than
fiction, I could not have made that up if I tried. Mind you that was from his
wife!)<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I would spend time with you, except he wants to spend time
with me then, so I can’t”. <i>(The clincher.
I’m learning not to expect anything more from you, Dad.)<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In summation, I once read the following in a book. Little Yankie knows that it is Assur to speak Loshon Hara, and he is also not allowed to play with his mother's camera. But when he tattles on his sister ("Yankie, that is Loshon Hara.") and dunks his mother's camera in the bathtub ("Yankie!!!"), he knows which is worse. Ain't it the truth.<br />
Olam Hafuch Ra'isi. Skewed priorities. Twisted ideologies. All for the sake of right and wrong. But of course. </div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-66783847775956649272015-05-03T21:48:00.000-04:002015-05-04T08:07:09.571-04:00'Just Musing' Thought of the Week<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Molesters can always count on being protected by some Rabbi</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Seems they know just how to find the Rabbonim that were awarded this T-Shirt with their Rabbinical Ordination...</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It's called a 'cover up'</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5kCOgiW0P6izGgcB3CXoea1AhYs68GfeU1bbr2SEbs3vqYOmpCAZCl6ivrZzAz3o70k0GIRNnIVYoipCTmV4mahcezt40w64M-cqF9El5KoJnAERmx7w0SPm9hIWQ7uRau4r6Tt4-4iKT/s1600/Front+and+Back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5kCOgiW0P6izGgcB3CXoea1AhYs68GfeU1bbr2SEbs3vqYOmpCAZCl6ivrZzAz3o70k0GIRNnIVYoipCTmV4mahcezt40w64M-cqF9El5KoJnAERmx7w0SPm9hIWQ7uRau4r6Tt4-4iKT/s1600/Front+and+Back.jpg" height="336" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-43639790172610957802015-01-28T23:35:00.003-05:002015-01-29T08:18:40.051-05:00in search of Him<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At a family Bar Mitzva I had time to reflect<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No matter how much preparation, I have to accept,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Feelings of shortness of breath</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And suffocating to death</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I know it’s my brother that I am going to expect<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thankfully he was late, but still no matter when<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">His appearance will show and suddenly then-<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When he walks in<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My head starts to spin<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Suddenly I’m a helpless kid all over again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And his wife follows; her nose held high<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And daintily (quite snootily) passes me by.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The queen of bitches<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The mistress of witches<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">About her behavior-it’s hard to explain why.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Certainly clear to me that I did no wrong<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yet she’s determined to make sure I don’t belong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As she gives a sweeping glance<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And ignores me with askance<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While smiling and laughing with the others along.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If family is a blessing then it is certainly disguised</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To me they are a curse, right in front of my eyes</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Logic so twisted and bent<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To ignore the innocent<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And fiercely protective over the truly despised<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I clearly don’t understand all or any of God’s scheme<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Though at this time I wonder where He reigns supreme<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I hope not with the bastards and bitches<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Or with the assholes and witches<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And I wonder, can I count Him-</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> As One on my team?</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-29237920632496014532014-09-16T21:02:00.002-04:002016-06-30T08:12:29.953-04:00The 80/20 Rule<div class="Publishwithline">
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A number one piece of advice in the parenting books is the
80/20 rule. It is not a complicated math equation, it is simple, really. For every criticism or
negative comment you need to tell your child, be sure that there are four
positive comments or compliments that you have said as well. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This isn't hieroglyphics from psychologists, it is simple to understand the reasoning behind this concept. We all know we love our kids. We feel it deep inside
our hearts. But our children don’t know what we feel, they know how we act, more importantly, what we say. If
we only communicate to them criticism, even though it is constructive, that is
all they have to hold on to. All they believe is that they are not good enough and
aren't meeting up to our expectations. This dynamic can lead to feelings of defensiveness. Surely the opposite feeling of being loved and cherished. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But
if we cushion our reproach with compliments and warm words they know how we
truly feel about them. They feel secure in the affection bestowed upon them. This
will manifest itself in a warm trusting relationship. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I would like to expound on this idea and suggest a similar
theme to the Rabbonim in our communities. I have yet to see a Rav condone
molestation. Yet, ironically, it feels that Rabbonim are so quick to sign
letters, publish Kol Korehs, protecting people ‘accused falsely’ of molesting a
child. Any time there is a frum person that makes the news in this venue, there are highly regarded people that quickly come to his defense. And then,more often than not, the ‘victim’ emerges as an abuser. All we are then left with aside from being disappointed, is a mistrustful
feeling towards the Gedolim that backed them.</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">(This is vague and general so as not to stray from the point I wish to make. Rest assured there are real hard facts and stories to back this claim up).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">To solve this issue, I would like to propose the 80/20 rule over here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">For every <b>one</b> ‘falsely accused’ molester a Rav knows about and therefore needs to
protect, he must condemn <b>four</b> other molesters. There is no dearth of victims
around, surely it wouldn't be hard to fill the ratio. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Publicly or privately? That would depend. It should be i</span>n the same venue he chooses to stand up for
the one he feels falsely accused. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We can’t know what the Rabbonim feel inside, but
surely this rule would make it clear where they stand in helping real victims. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Unless though, we are supposed to judge them by their actions alone. Doesn't that imply that they are not really out to protect victims? Only predators? This is what is understood by what we see, by the naked eye. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Unless when they speak about ‘kedusha’
and ‘tznius’ it is meant to be understood hypocritically, not literally. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Unless
their goal here is really to protect an image to what they believe frum
communities should look like, not the real truth?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The outcome of the 80/20 rule is trust. Actions that don’t
follow this idea, imply otherwise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><w:sdt contentlocked="t" id="89512093" sdtgroup="t"><span style="font-size: 1pt;"><w:sdtpr></w:sdtpr><w:sdt docpart="E0CF3162AB8747F48C7B6F990BA6AB7C" id="89512082" storeitemid="X_5F329CAD-B019-4FA6-9FEF-74898909AD20" text="t" title="Post Title" xpath="/ns0:BlogPostInfo/ns0:PostTitle"></w:sdt></span>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We deserve more. It is time for us to respect our leaders for their fear of
G-d; for doing what’s right, not popular.We deserve to have
leaders that have zero tolerance towards molesters instead of creating a safe
haven for them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Most of all, we deserve to hear the words of “V’hayah Machanecha Kadosh” uttered to mean what they were truly meant to. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> <i>Inspired by tonight's Asifa in Lakewood NJ entitled "V'Hayah Machanecha Kadosh"</i></span><br />
<a href="http://www.thelakewoodscoop.com/news/2014/09/thousands-attend-lakewood-tznius-asifa.html" target="_blank">http://www.thelakewoodscoop.com/news/2014/09/thousands-attend-lakewood-tznius-asifa.html</a></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-1919793526013870912014-06-24T19:31:00.000-04:002014-06-24T22:58:22.440-04:00 Going off THE Derech-revisited. Is there really only one?<div class="MsoNormal">
My son recently came home from school and told me a joke he
heard that day. There were two Chassidish bochurim that made up between each
other that they are going to ‘go off the derech’. They decided to meet at a bar
that night. One of the boys came with his payos off, no Yarmulkah, and dressed
in jeans and a T-shirt. He was surprised to see his friend waiting there,
dressed in his traditional Chassidish garb, langeh rekel and all. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Didn’t we make up that we are becoming frei?” He asked his
friend. ”Don’t worry, I’m with you in this.” his friend replied, “I have gum in
my pocket…”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Now of course this is not a true story but it got me
thinking. Ask any of our kids what is expected of them, and I’m sure they have
been trained well enough to give the right answer. For the boys, well it would
be, to be a ‘good boy’, get into a top Mesivta, marry a wonderful girl, and sit
and learn “kol yemie chayav”. A girl would have to add that she is willing to
support her husband, and take care of the kids, the house, the bills, and not
disturb her husband for anything, so that he can learn b’menucha. These are
indeed wonderful aspirations. But is this the only way we are teaching them
that they could succeed?<o:p></o:p></div>
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As a side note, even though this is what is being preached
in the finest Yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs with utmost sincerity, there is still a
little hope that not everyone will follow this path, because they do need money
too. But this will never be stated. We recently received a dinner journal from
my husband’s alma mater, stating that one of the philanthropists of today, an
alumni of the Yeshiva, has now become the ‘executive chairmen of the administrative
committee’. I gave a small chuckle. My husband remembers when he was bounced
out of the place; the successful business he now runs was started in the
Yeshiva’s dorm. I’m sure the Yeshiva didn’t want to be associated with him
then. Fast forward twenty years. Now he is one of the ‘Yeshiva’s alumni’ that
they pride themselves by. But I digress.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Shlomo Hamelech, the smartest of all men, said ‘Chanoch L’na’ar
Al Pi Darko’. This is from one of the most well quoted verses, but I believe it
begs a question. Shouldn’t he have said 'Chanoch L’na’ar Al Pi Haderech’?
Educate your child on<b> the</b> path, the
path to Nitzchius? Could he be insinuating that there is actually more than one
path that the Aibeshter agrees to? If so, why is it that it seems that society is
so judgmental of people not following ‘the script’? Maybe they are following
the path suited for them. Not every child needs to be the community’s idea of
the ‘perfect catch’, and not every child is meant to. As Shlomo Hamelech said,
there are many ways to serve Hashem. Perhaps it is our job to start believing
just that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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If a boy wishes to wear different clothes colors or Yarmulka
fabrics and sizes, it doesn’t mean he has been baptized. If a girl wants to
wear nail polish, she did not necessarily become a hooker. A child with an
appreciation for more upbeat music, doesn’t mean he will be a DJ in a night
club. And getting a job that requires Internet access doesn’t translate into
watching pornography.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It can, however. <o:p></o:p></div>
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If we erroneously stress the ‘one path’, the only Derech, we
are in essence forcing our children to make choices they never intended to
make. ‘Echad Hamarbeh V’Echad Hamamit.’ Perhaps we should start letting our
children be, really be, who they are meant to. And let us see their needs and
desires as something real. Let’s allow them to find their own individuality
without having to throw everything away. Because sometimes, all they really want
is, indeed, only a stick of gum.<o:p></o:p></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-43754359404781137422014-06-08T13:19:00.001-04:002014-06-16T07:10:17.567-04:00Palindrome of the Victim<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Child Abused</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Relax can't Worry</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">He Promises,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Feeling Good. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Others </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Fulfilled Enjoyment.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Although, </span></div>
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<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Pleasure is Nothing</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Heart is Pieces Crushed</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #444444;">Gone forever Innocence</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Life Altering</span></div>
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<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Forever.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Forever</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Altering Life</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Innocence forever Gone</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Crushed Pieces is Heart </span></div>
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<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Nothing is Pleasure</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Although,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Enjoyment fulfilled</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Others.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Good Feeling</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Promises he.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #444444;">Worry, can't Relax.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Abused Child</span></div>
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Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-63402889768049533702014-03-30T23:15:00.001-04:002014-04-01T18:22:42.523-04:00 to live the lie<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>the feeling of distress</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>when it is the dress </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>that needs to impress</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>what are we inspecting-</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>what values reflecting-</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>what ideals respecting?</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>when a beard grows long</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>and the tzitzis knots strong</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>then you can belong</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>feel free to rape</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>any size and shape</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>don’t need to escape</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>will be protected</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>and even respected</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>all accusations deflected</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>if the look is devout</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>that is what it’s about</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>never mind the inside-just out</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>there is no inhibition</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>it’s religion by definition</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>this is our tradition</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>how can you feel-</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>how can you heal-</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>when this is meant as real?</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>the pain is refused</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>the logic is confused</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>when you’re the one-</i></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Who was abused.</i></span></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-75234272484083511402014-02-26T22:56:00.000-05:002014-02-26T22:56:12.637-05:00'Just Musing' thought in middle of the week<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>"It takes strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable"</i></span></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-44065398861759171712014-02-24T09:04:00.001-05:002014-02-24T09:06:22.683-05:00'Just Musing' thought of the week<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>"I am struck by the difference in meaning-</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i> between 'well people' and 'well-meaning' people..."</i></span></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-20595638220399013022014-02-23T11:44:00.005-05:002014-02-23T11:44:35.663-05:00To Mourn the Living<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This week we are coming up to the first
Yartzheit of my father-in-law, Zatzal. The year was a hard one, and
milestones are particularly poignant. It is as if a force beyond our
control causes us to reflect.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I remember the phone call I got a
little more that a year ago informing me that my father-in-law
collapsed. My husband and his siblings flew out to be with him during
his final days. It was five days of uncertainty. The question wasn't
if he will recover but rather when it will be over. On that fateful
Monday, his numbers started going down. My husband got a haircut and
took a shower in anticipation of what was upcoming. Late afternoon
the family gathered in his hospital room, and watched his blood
pressure steadily decline. They said Vidui and Shma with him. All the
numbers dropped to zero. The family tore Kriah. He was gone.</span></div>
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</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The truth is we really lost him a year
before that. My kind, wonderful, and wise, oh so wise, father-in-law
suffered from Alzheimer's during that time. He looked the same,
always neat and put together, his smile was still there when he
greeted you effusively, as he always did. But he wasn't there.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is always hard to compare emotional
pain. But there was a certain aspect of this year which, dare I say,
was easier than the last year that he was alive. Death, particularly
of someone we loved so much, is heartbreaking. But it was almost as
if we have permission to grieve now. We are allowed, so to speak, to
mourn our loss. It was harder to process our emotions when he was
alive. How can we miss him, if he is still here? Compounding the
difficulty were the teasing moments when he was lucid. They were far
and few in between. Not enough to have him back, but enough to have
us struggle with feelings of guilt for the sadness we felt.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His Yartzheit is coming up and the year
of Aveilus will end. It's not easy. My husband will be allowed to go
to Simchos again. It doesn't feel like a relief. He doesn't have a
father anymore. There is a void in his heart forever. But the healing
is gradual, albeit subtle and also painful. Time has it's way of
slowly dulling the intensity of the loss. Bit by bit, the period
that we can hold on to the acceptance that he is no longer with us is
stretching longer There are still the times the pain resurfaces
acutely, such as by milestones that we wish he could be here to share
with us. And we feel surprised at the ability we have that allows the
reprieve to return, the pain less piercing, the ability to move on.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This all comes to mind when I struggle
to come to terms with the loss I have to contend with. The loss of my
family, may they all live and be well. I've come to the realization,
after many, many years of trying to get them to understand, that they
won't. Not that they aren't capable. They are a highly intelligent
bunch, for the most part. They don't want to deal with the reality.
They don't want to come to terms with how devastating it really is.
They don't want to put in the work, they don't want to feel the
horrific pain. They won't allow themselves to understand what I went
though, what I continue to go through, and how they too are really
affected. They rather just leave it as my 'issue' alone, they want to
have no part.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I lost them all, but they are still
here. The illusionary affect is so hard to process and come to terms
with. How can I accept a loss that is not a loss? They really can
change. They really can get it. And they really won't change. The
realization brings tremendous pain and unfathomable anger towards
them. But it feels never ending. How can you mourn a continuous death
that really isn't dead? The grieving process seemingly never ends
because I can't achieve the closure that acceptance necessitates.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am in no way belittling my husband's
pain and loss. And I am also not belittling mine. As hopeful as I
feel that my husband can eventually and slowly put his life back
together again, I don't share the same sentiments about myself. Alas;
the living weren't meant to be mourned.
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-57173349989810724232014-01-27T13:22:00.001-05:002014-01-27T13:22:12.706-05:00'Just Musing' thought of the week<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>When people I speak to seriously don't get the traumatic affects of molestation so many years later, I feel like telling them "I wish the same on you, and then you will understand."</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>But I really don't.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Instead I bentch them with my whole heart and soul that they should be Zocheh to always be so naive and stupid. </i></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-56462195393532745532014-01-23T09:25:00.001-05:002014-01-23T09:25:46.433-05:00NEGIUS def. Turning highly intelligent people into brainless brick walls<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="Standard">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Recently I had the opportunity to
spend Shabbos with my family. As my fate has it, it is also the family of the
one who abused me. Yup, I have been molested, again and again, by my very own
brother. I don't believe the English language has words to describe the painful
state of affairs involved in such a situation. Complicated? Complex? Way too
trite. Unfortunate? Horrific? Sounds lame, at best. There is nothing that can do
justice to describe the gut wrenching and crushing situation I find myself in. The
least I can do is to dispel the myths associated with this situation.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="Standard">
<br /></div>
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"></span></span></span><b><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">You can't be on both sides</span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">.<i> </i>This is actually is a myth inside a
myth.<i> </i>Firstly, there are no two sides to the story. Period. Secondly, we
may be two siblings, we share a family. We are two children, we share the same
parents. One of us is horrifically wrong and one is horrifically punished for
being right. By my family being there for both of us, they are siding with one
person only, and that is the molester in the family.</span><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><b><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"> </span></i></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><b><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Abusers aren't ‘otherwise ehrlich and healthy’</span></i></b><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">. </span></i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Someone who
molests young kids repeatedly is incredibly sick. Even if his garb likens to
that of a Rabbi. Even if he can expound on a deep Torah thought. And even if he
can <i>shuckle</i> devoutly and
appropriately by <i>Shmoneh Esrei.</i> Only
if you would be comforted by a doctor saying “The patient is on a respirator
and in a coma, but <i>besides for that he is
okay</i>” can you feel confident with the description of someone that “molested
his sister recurrently but <i>Baruch Hashem
he is fine now”.</i> Both statements are equally nonsensical.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"> </span><b><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">He will not ‘ruin the family reputation’ were
they to demand of him to take responsibility for his actions</span></i></b><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">. </span></i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">The family
is ruining their own name by not mandating justice. True he shares the same
surname as his parents and brothers, and that might feel like a reason to deny
what he did in order to protect themselves. But make no mistake; <b>he</b> certainly does not have his family’s
best interest in mind. He cares about one thing, like he always did, and that
is to fulfill his corrupt and selfish needs and desires. Eventually he will
spiral out of control and be exposed for his wrongdoings. And by then it will
be too late. The family will be defined by and associated with him, because
they did nothing to stand up against him.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"> </span><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"></span></span></span><b><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">The same manipulation he used on me to
fulfill his sick perverted desires, he is using on the family to protect himself</span></i></b><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">. </span></i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Sometimes he
will look real devout and talk of feelings of remorse, other times he will act
out in rage. Sometimes he will point out how his wife and children will suffer,
other times he will threaten to harm himself. The family can’t stand up to his
manipulative behavior. <span>They </span>can’t
see through his lies. They take him seriously, and fall for him every time.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"> </span><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"></span></span></span><b><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">I am not the one who is causing the family to
suffer. </span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">I did not
make the horrific mess, he did. He should be obligated to clean it up by owning
up to his actions. It is not my responsibility to keep his secret, and when he
is exposed, it is not I who caused harm to the family. He wreaked the havoc,
not I. He is at fault; he is to blame. It has everything to do with him and nothing
to do with me.</span></span>
</li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="Standard">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">I</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">n closing, I’d like to end with one more myth.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
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<li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"></span></span></span><b><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">A person can
only die once.</span></i></b><b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"> </span></b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Being the
target for misplaced blame and anger; being falsely accused and invalidated by
those nearest and dearest to you, will kill a human being again and again and
again.</span></span></li>
</ul>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-79572929102191711602014-01-13T09:28:00.002-05:002014-01-13T09:28:54.050-05:00Inappropriate Humor<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">When I was a kid, I heard about a speech at a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sheva Brochos</i>. The speaker based his
speech on the first <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Possuk</i> in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Parshas Ki Setzei</i>. He said that it says,
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">V’Hayah Ki Setzei L’Milchama</i>. He
asked on this, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">V’Hayah</i> is always used
as a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Loshon</i> of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Simchah</i>. What <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Simchah</i> is
there <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">B’Inyanei Milchama</i>? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The rest of his (ten minutes long!) speech focused around
the brilliance of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Chassan</i>.
Because the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Chassan</i> understood and
appreciated war tactics; war plans and strategies actually brought him Simchah.
(This was around the time of the Persian Gulf War. I guess I am dating myself a
little here). The speaker brought appropriate proofs, theories, and jokes. He
concluded his speech with the usual ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Zocheh</i>
to build a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bayis Neeman B’Yisrael’</i>
and added that it can only be accomplished through <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sholom</i> and not fighting, and that will bring true <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Simchah</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">He sat down, amidst applause and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shkoyachs</i>, and then stood up again. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rabboisai</i>,” he said. “I was thinking that there is a one small <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nekudah</i> that you can use to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">shlug</i> up my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">vort</i>. And that is, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">l’maaseh</i>
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Possuk</i> doesn’t have the word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">V’Hayah</i> in it…” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">------</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Being molested by a frum pedophile is complicated. (By the
way the term ‘frum pedophile’ is a complete oxymoron. If he is a pedophile, he
ain’t frum, regardless of his garb or synagogue association. But I digress.) It
is complicated because of the community’s understanding of what the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Chillul</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hashem</i> is in the situation. They seem to think that it means that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">goyim</i> should not find out that such a
concept exists by frum <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Yidden</i>. And
so, based on that belief, to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mekadesh
Shem Shamayim </i>in this situation would be to make sure that no <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">goy</i> or newspaper ever finds out about
it. This would mean to take care of the problem ‘internally’.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now, as we all know, whether we would like to admit it in
words or not, the frum community does not have the capabilities to deal with
molesters. Fact is no pedophile can be stopped without law enforcement
involved. Even in the unlikely situation that a predator is willing to go to therapy
for help, he is still not cured. He still needs to be monitored and kept away
from children. We don’t have a tracking system to put this in place. And we
certainly don’t have the capacity to impose a consequence when he violates his
rules. What penalty can be given and upheld without involving the police? And
if we go to the police, then we are making a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Chillul Hashem</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">This seems like a really complicated situation. But the real
issue here is that the basic premise on which all this is built on is false!
Not that we are allowed to make a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Chillul
Hashem</i>. Of course not! But rather what the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Chillul Hashem</i> really is. That is where the fault lies.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Chillul Hashem</i>
in the situation is not the publicity it would entail to expose molesters. It <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">is the fact that a religious looking
predator is molesting children</b>! That is a disgrace to G-d’s name. How can
we rectify that? By showing that we have zero tolerance for such despicable
behavior. He has to be punished for his actions. And only that can be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">mekadesh Shem Shamayim</i>. The publicity
that may come out of putting a pedophile where he belongs isn’t tarnishing
Hashem’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Kovod</i>. In fact it is the
opposite. It shows that we protect Hashem’s <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">honor<i> </i></span>by taking care of His <i>tayere </i>children. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But herein lies the issue. Whose <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Kovod</i> is being tarnished? Maybe the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Kovod</i> of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rav</i> of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shul</i> where he davens. How can he have
such a lowlife as part of his congregation? It certainly doesn’t reflect well
on him. Or the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rosh Yeshiva</i> of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Yeshiva</i> he associates himself with. Wouldn’t
say much about his institution, would it? What about the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Chassidus</i> or the community that the predator comes from? How would
they look if he would be exposed? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">These are indeed painful truths. But instead of realizing
that a predator need not define them if they react and act appropriately, they
change only one small <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nekudah</i> in the
reality of the situation. They substitute ‘Hashem’ for their own name. And then
go on a rampage of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘Chillul Hashem’ </i>that
would come from making it public…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-------</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">To build a whole <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sheva
Brochos</i> speech on<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">shtusim</i>? That is acceptable and can even
elicit a chuckle. But there is absolutely nothing remotely funny or humorous
about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">paskening</i> matters of life and
death based on misrepresentations and misinterpretations.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Let us stop protecting our self images, our community
reputations, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">our pedophiles</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Asei L’maan Tinokos
Shel Beis Rabban</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Enough is enough. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>The time has come to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mekadesh
Shem Shamayaim</i>. </b></span></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-38852416033922778912014-01-07T15:04:00.002-05:002014-01-07T15:06:54.239-05:00'Just Musing' thought in middle of the week<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"The money that couldn't be found for his therapy will surface instantly when he will need a defense lawyer."</i></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-32315781729194333672013-12-29T13:49:00.001-05:002013-12-29T13:49:54.491-05:00'Just Musing' thought of the week<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>For all those who think that we are completely influenced by the Goyim, fret not! </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>We have a long way to go!</i></div>
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<i>A child molester in prison needs a cell with security, because even lowlife prisoners know what they did was unacceptable and may kill him. </i></div>
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<i>But us? We show utter respect to these people and treat them in the highest regard!</i></div>
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<i>Mavdil Min Hatoyim. Indeed.</i></div>
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<br /></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-32662290782181788632013-12-29T13:40:00.000-05:002014-01-23T09:53:38.517-05:00Wishful Thinking<h2>
<span style="font-size: large;"> Just the other day, a genie approached me and granted me three wishes. It was my chance to ask for unlimited money and Kochos to help all poor people and Yeshivos in Klal Yisroel. A third wish to be used for all Tinokos Shel Bais Rabban to go B’derech Hayashar and become true Ovdei Hashem. So many wonderful possibilities to help my fellow Yidden. But he caught me in a bad time. I was feeling fully enraged and revengeful. I was in a really foul mood.<br /><i><br /></i></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Before I publicize my wishes, I want to make a disclaimer. Anyone who doesn’t want to Chas V’shalom read anything that comes from a place of bad Middos (Lo Aleinu) should stop reading right here and pick up on this blog next week for a new post. This article is not for you.</i><br /> </span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: large;">
Almost automatically, I was transported to the place I just can’t seem to get out of, no matter how hard I try. My mind was flooded again with the thoughts of what that guy did when he used me. Suddenly I was fed up. I had enough of this. I decided this is what I was going to act upon and use my wishes for.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: large;">
I believe were I to ask a Shailah, I would have been advised that in the grand scheme of things of what can be accomplished with this wonderful opportunity, wouldn’t this be a waste? Besides, wouldn't the Schar of being Maaver Al Midosai, of putting my own stance aside to help others, be a more genuine feeling of accomplishment? One that would not be fleeting? I’m sure I would have agreed, but at the moment I was feeling too selfish to care.<br /> </span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: large;">
The genie told me to take my time to think it over. This was a rare, one time occurrence and should definitely be used in a wise and thought out manner. I’m sure subconsciously I agreed with him, but my impulsivity took over. (Another bad Middah that Yiddishkeit-sensitive people shouldn’t be reading about.) I so desperately wanted to do something to end the misery I was feeling. And even if it meant to blow a lifetime opportunity, so be it.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: large;">
I quickly told him I was ready when he was. Okay, he said. Shoot. </span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: large;">
“Well” I cleared my throat, “here is the list.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />1. Anytime Oisoi Ha’Ish gets called up to an Aliya L’Torah, it should be with his full title.” I could sense the confusion, so I hurried to clarify. “Y’know, the Gabbai will call him up as ‘Yaamod Harav Hamenuval… ben….’<br />2. Whenever he leaves his house, he will be obligated to wear a patch on his outermost garment. Bold readable letters should be printed on it stating: <i>I MOLESTED A CHILD.</i><br />3. I want to steal from him. To take revenge from what he robbed from me. It’s not his money that I want. I won’t take a cent from that immoral, depraved, filthy, and selfish being. But I want everyone to see who he really is, because I know. I saw him in his true essence one time too many. And even one time would be too many, yet he still didn’t stop there. So I want to<br />confiscate every single pair of pants and underwear that he owns. This way he can’t cover up what his real animalistic desires are and fool everyone with his devout looking, (and absolutely superfluous) Hasidic garb.”</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /> The genie scribbled down the rest of my words and told me that it can take up to 24 hours to process my request and he was on his way. It was a big shame that my alarm clock rang before he had a chance to even come back…</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: large;">
So that’s it, folks. My dream of exposing him was over. Gone in the way of so many other crumbled dreams in the past. Now all I am left with is the unjustified responsibility of protecting a guy that doesn’t deserve protection. Not from his family, not from his community and certainly not from me.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />What a bummer.</span></h2>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-62408604307558817542013-12-24T13:52:00.000-05:002013-12-26T09:02:25.723-05:00'Just Musing' thought in middle of the week<div style="text-align: center;">
The difference between a competent therapist and a caring friend is as follows:</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
When you mention "I'm hurting inside" with a soft smile on your face,</div>
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a friend will see and admire the strength of your smile </div>
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whereas</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a therapist will hear and appreciate the strongness of your pain. </div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985308512015863543.post-86318789475258260282013-12-22T13:23:00.000-05:002014-02-03T22:10:57.539-05:00'Just Musing' thought of the week<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"I used to think that being molested defined me. I know now that it doesn't. It does however affect</i><i> every single aspect of my life."</i></div>
Been Therehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11847176650586277078noreply@blogger.com0