Sunday, September 11, 2016

CarcAsses Et. Al.

The first word that comes to mind when I think of molestation is denial. Certainly in my family. Certainly in our community. And certainly in my family. It is a phenomena that can only be called incredible, or no I take that back, more accurately insanity. Adults inappropriately touching little kids, should cause outrage! These ill people should be publicly shunned by all - that would actually be the knee jerk human response. Instead, the first response is disbelief. And then comes the cover up. And ultimately, protection of the predator. In one word - denial.

Is it because it is so awful that people can't wrap their heads around it, so they deny that it is happening? I don't think so. I think it is because a molester in our community belongs to a family, a shul, a community. If they were to be exposed, then it means that it is a reflection of the people around them. 

Sadly they don't realize that this not true. Molesters are dangerous and harmful. Not only to the children they hurt, but even to the whole religion they hold near and dear. Children who are abused, 'act out' in ways that 'taints' their religious practices. This doesn't reflect the community well. Furthermore, standing up to a molester shows that you are not associated with such behavior, that you abhor sexual abuse. Even if it is a family member, by exposing them you are distancing yourself from them. And when you protect them, they do become a reflection of you. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. This is the horrible cycle. Called denial.

Sometimes I think of molestation and the subsequent cover up of the abuse in analogous terms. A molester that is being protected is like a dead animal in the house. Instead of getting rid of the carcass, the protectors put a cover over it. A nice, fancy, decorated cover. But then, as a dead animal tends to do, it starts to rot and stink. And so the deniers then go and spray deodorizers. It helps for a little, and then it starts to smell again. And the quest continues, for stronger air fresheners, different brands.

But it never ends, because the dead animal is still there. Brief respites? Maybe. But it never ends, because the dead animal is still there.

This is the story of my family. There has somehow become two 'sides' in the family. There is me, and there are them, two of them. The family is on 'both sides'. They treat my abusers like regular normal siblings. Especially now that we lost a brother, unity in the family is so much more important. They are respected, and revered. But my siblings take 'great care' not to involve me in those interactions. They talk to me separately, email me separately, and don't mention their names to me.

Or at least try. Every once in a while there is a slip up. Air freshener doesn't last forever when trying to combat a carcass. I will be included in an email with my brothers on it. Or a sibling (or parent) will say something that just happened with my abusers. Sometimes, they catch themselves mid-sentence, and switch from saying the name of my brother - and substitute instead with 'someone'. Sure there is an uncomfortable moment, but not uncomfortable enough to realize that they are protecting the wrong people, fighting the wrong battles. It is just a wake up call, to resolve to try harder, or in this analogy, use a different and stronger brand.

My father called me (an unusual occurrence in itself) after the wedding and thanked me for coming, he said 'I made his eyes light up' when he saw me. I mumbled some half-hearted response, saying 'alright', as he continued on effusively. Amongst the conglomeration of feelings that hit me - fury, despair, disgust, bewilderment, and hurt - I also was stuck with a clarity.

He is battling so hard, try so desperately to hold on to his illusions that all is well. The fact that I showed up at the wedding, was the strongest 'scent deterrent' he ever had! But nothing changed. On his part that is. He will continue to dismiss and deny and ignore. But I was able to realize something different. The clarity that I felt, the change that I realized is that he may think he has accomplished unity, But I know he is cementing a divide.

They can all hold hands together, believe we are one big happy family, and disillusion themselves. I am not and will not be part of it. And amidst the pain I feel, a small feeling of liberation creeps in as well.Because no matter how hard they are trying they will never prevail.

Their tactics will never work. The only way to get rid of the stench is to uncover and remove the dead animal from their midst. Air fresheners are no match for rotting flesh. 

2 comments:

  1. It means the world, Shev. Thank you for making a difference in my life.










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