Some Awareness on Awareness

Recently an Orthodox organization had an Evening of Awareness on how to protect our children. It seems to be an organization that is very passionate and also, judging from the publicity that surrounded the event,  well-funded as well. It was definitely well-advertised and well aired. I did not attend, and I also just heard little snips online, so my opinion about this may be totally off. And frankly if it is, then I would be absolutely thrilled.

To be fair, my faith in this organization has been tested. Apparently, the speech given by the Novominsker Rebbe, (speech and my comments here) was supposed to be an endorsement for them from TU. How they managed to get 3 sentences from his speech showing him in support of protecting children from abuse brought out their ingenuity and creativity. Still, amidst my skepticism – even though it is very deep - I have a wish that maybe someone, sometime, can get it right and truly make a difference.

Certainly we all aware that Awareness is only a part, and not the whole, solution. We can’t fix a problem that is not named a problem. And even awareness of the problem is only worth something if it is solution oriented. As with most important areas in life, it is so crucial to be mindful and cognizant about what the goal that is trying to be accomplished, throughout every step of the way. Or else we can get sidetracked in the details and lose track of the bigger picture.

In the situation that we are dealing with, sexual abuse, our community at large has not yet been able to band together to unequivocally prosecute molesters to whatever extent it takes to keep them away from children. Which leads me to wonder, with all this effort being put in to bringing awareness, will it lead to positive, neutral, or possibly even negative results?

I believe there is a very fine line that has to be realized over here. And I digress for a moment by saying, the fine line is not to be 100% sure that a child is saying the absolute truth when he says that someone molested him. This is a snippet I heard from one of the speakers at the Awareness event. He said that there is no room for error on either side, you can’t let someone abuse a child, but you have to be sure that the child is saying the truth. Because if someone is accused falsely of molesting a child his life is ruined forever. Aside from that statement reinforcing the doubt that we are trying to eradicate, that frum looking people are molesting children, it is also factually untrue. My brothers are the most well protected people in society, they have family members that will do whatever it takes to make sure no one ever finds out. I have seen a video of yeshivish men dancing in a court room and hugging someone that was accused of molesting a child, when the judged ruled that there was not enough circumstantial evidence. And I noticed in the congratulatory wishes in the newspaper for the wedding of a son of a Rabbi, shortly after he pleaded guilty and was put on sex offender probation. In fact, the day the there is even a slight negative association to an actual Frum Yid that is accused of being a child molester will be a great victory in the fight towards abuse!

But as I said, I digressed. The fine line I want to discuss is when Awareness can actually be harmful and take people away from the goal they are looking to accomplish.

There are many times in life when we feel that something has to be changed. We have all gone through a situation when we realized, things aren’t working out the way we want and a new plan of action is in order. The question is, what do we do when we feel inside of us that uncomfortable feeling letting us know that what has worked in the past, isn’t working anymore?

Sometimes, we don’t have the strength to make the change. That is where denial comes in useful. It helps cover up the problem, it helps us believe it doesn’t exist anymore. But the thing about denial is, whenever we decide to confront the issue at hand and come out of denial, we can; because we nothing about the situation has changed.

But what if something is done that didn’t solve the situation but makes us feel as if it did? Certainly that would be terrible. On the one hand, it would feel like the problem has been solved, on the other had the problem would still be there!

The Possuk in Mishlei says “Daagah B’Lev Ish Yasichenu L’Acheirim”. If someone has a worry in his heart, he should talk to others. The reason is because, simply the actual talking, even without doing something, makes a person feel better. Verbalizing our pain diminishes a part of it.

So sure it is very important to name the problem in our midst. We have child molesters that are relatives and Rebbeim and Rabonim and children confidantes. However the awareness did not solve the problem. And in fact, even to call it a ‘step in the right direction’, would only be accurate if the path to the finish line is clearly delineated. If not, it is like running very fast, while staying on the ‘hamster wheel’ in life.

So yes, we have now been made aware. And that is one piece of a large complicated puzzle. Some pieces are easier to put together whilst other pieces are still missing to complete it. The puzzle is not a finished masterpiece yet. At all.

And so,please, please let it not cause us to feel better, to believe that something now has actually changed. 

CarcAsses Et. Al.

The first word that comes to mind when I think of molestation is denial. Certainly in my family. Certainly in our community. And certainly in my family. It is a phenomena that can only be called incredible, or no I take that back, more accurately insanity. Adults inappropriately touching little kids, should cause outrage! These ill people should be publicly shunned by all - that would actually be the knee jerk human response. Instead, the first response is disbelief. And then comes the cover up. And ultimately, protection of the predator. In one word - denial.

Is it because it is so awful that people can't wrap their heads around it, so they deny that it is happening? I don't think so. I think it is because a molester in our community belongs to a family, a shul, a community. If they were to be exposed, then it means that it is a reflection of the people around them. 

Sadly they don't realize that this not true. Molesters are dangerous and harmful. Not only to the children they hurt, but even to the whole religion they hold near and dear. Children who are abused, 'act out' in ways that 'taints' their religious practices. This doesn't reflect the community well. Furthermore, standing up to a molester shows that you are not associated with such behavior, that you abhor sexual abuse. Even if it is a family member, by exposing them you are distancing yourself from them. And when you protect them, they do become a reflection of you. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. This is the horrible cycle. Called denial.

Sometimes I think of molestation and the subsequent cover up of the abuse in analogous terms. A molester that is being protected is like a dead animal in the house. Instead of getting rid of the carcass, the protectors put a cover over it. A nice, fancy, decorated cover. But then, as a dead animal tends to do, it starts to rot and stink. And so the deniers then go and spray deodorizers. It helps for a little, and then it starts to smell again. And the quest continues, for stronger air fresheners, different brands.

But it never ends, because the dead animal is still there. Brief respites? Maybe. But it never ends, because the dead animal is still there.

This is the story of my family. There has somehow become two 'sides' in the family. There is me, and there are them, two of them. The family is on 'both sides'. They treat my abusers like regular normal siblings. Especially now that we lost a brother, unity in the family is so much more important. They are respected, and revered. But my siblings take 'great care' not to involve me in those interactions. They talk to me separately, email me separately, and don't mention their names to me.

Or at least try. Every once in a while there is a slip up. Air freshener doesn't last forever when trying to combat a carcass. I will be included in an email with my brothers on it. Or a sibling (or parent) will say something that just happened with my abusers. Sometimes, they catch themselves mid-sentence, and switch from saying the name of my brother - and substitute instead with 'someone'. Sure there is an uncomfortable moment, but not uncomfortable enough to realize that they are protecting the wrong people, fighting the wrong battles. It is just a wake up call, to resolve to try harder, or in this analogy, use a different and stronger brand.

My father called me (an unusual occurrence in itself) after the wedding and thanked me for coming, he said 'I made his eyes light up' when he saw me. I mumbled some half-hearted response, saying 'alright', as he continued on effusively. Amongst the conglomeration of feelings that hit me - fury, despair, disgust, bewilderment, and hurt - I also was stuck with a clarity.

He is battling so hard, try so desperately to hold on to his illusions that all is well. The fact that I showed up at the wedding, was the strongest 'scent deterrent' he ever had! But nothing changed. On his part that is. He will continue to dismiss and deny and ignore. But I was able to realize something different. The clarity that I felt, the change that I realized is that he may think he has accomplished unity, But I know he is cementing a divide.

They can all hold hands together, believe we are one big happy family, and disillusion themselves. I am not and will not be part of it. And amidst the pain I feel, a small feeling of liberation creeps in as well.Because no matter how hard they are trying they will never prevail.

Their tactics will never work. The only way to get rid of the stench is to uncover and remove the dead animal from their midst. Air fresheners are no match for rotting flesh. 

Eichah Yashvah Boddod..

There is some solace in mourning together but great heartbreak in mourning alone.

A little over a year ago I lost a brother of mine to cancer. I am in no way recovered from the loss, at all. Still, there was something comforting about a levaya of all of us crying; of a shiva when people came and shared in our pain. Tzaros Rabbim Chatzi Nechama.

In stark contrast was the wedding I went to this week. A different brother over here, one that molested me, made a wedding for his daughter, my niece. In truth, I didn’t think I would get an invitation to the wedding at all. When my husband told the Kallah Mazel Tov, shortly after her engagement by a family bris, her mother who was standing there abruptly turned her head the other way. Three weeks prior to the wedding at my brother’s Yartzheit Seudah, my sister-in-law blatantly ignored my existence. In fact the invitation which I did not think I would get, came a mere two weeks prior to the wedding. And it was a decision I agonized about, to go or not to, ultimately choosing between worse and worser, as there are no ideal solution for these scenarios.

I decided to go to the wedding and to leave prior to the dancing, which I did. I feel the decision worked well for me. But still, it didn’t negate or take away the pain,that comes from these situations. Not during, and not subsequently after. Not from my mother saying “I am so glad you are coming. You will see everything will get better from here” – nor to a sibling of mine sending an email that 'he saw me at the Chupa, and couldn’t find me at the dancing, but was glad that we met ‘oif simchos’ '. Their denial is so hurtful to me, it feels crushing and devastating.

And it struck me – to be mourning, when others are celebrating; to be hurting when others are sharing joy – just adds. It causes the pain of origin to expand and grow; to mushroom into gargantuan proportions.

I’ve come to the realization recently that opposites are not always that far apart. Was my decision to go a sign of strength or weakness? Or was it a mixture of both?   A death is known as a time for mourning, and a wedding a time of rejoicing. But what about this wedding ? I certainly didn’t feel any rejoiceful feelings; in fact mournful would be a more apt description of how I felt. And still feel. One would contrast the seven days of Aveilus to the 7 days of Sheva Brochos. I'm feeling them comparable. What I once believed to be chasms apart have now blurred to very fine lines; so fine that I am finding it hard to make the distinction.

Family focused on the couple walking the aisle – while strengthening their denial

An occasion that is Simcha making – has my heart breaking

And an opportunity

That should have relationships strengthened and resown – leaves me feeling alone, oh so alone.