The Fifth Chelek

 All the Halachos extrapolated from the Torah are discussed and elucidated in the 4 chalakim of Shulchan Aruch. But there are also hanhagos that are common sense. So much so, they don’t even have to be spelled out. Some refer to this as the ‘fifth’ chelek of Shulchan Aruch.

Over the years I realized there were certain things that were terrible things to do, absolutely forbidden. Yet, they weren’t brought down or written anywhere. But they were obviously wrong. From the strong reactions I have received, I knew that these must be part of the 'fifth chelek'.

Here are some examples:

Unseasoned Greetings

·        As someone that works in the banking industry, I am very fond of the secular Holidays. Memorial Day or Labor Day, I’m not partial. I love the free vacation days that they offer me. In a certain sense it is even better than Yom Tov, because I get a day off and my kids still have school.  This year I did feel a little cheated though, because Christmas and New Years both fell out on Friday. Oh well. But anyways, when I spoke to my mother to say Good Shabbos, I jokingly wished her “Merry Christmas." She swiftly replied with a sense of horror in her voice. “I did not appreciate that. I am offended!”

And thus I was introduced to Cardinal Sin # 1 of the fifth Chelek. The word Christmas must never be uttered.

Taken for a Ride

·        My sister came into town for Shabbos to celebrate the Shalom Zachor of her newest grandson. I was too exhausted Friday night, but decided to walk over to extend my wishes on Shabbos afternoon. She was staying by my nephew’s house, close to 2 and half miles from where I live. Understandably they were very surprised to see me. “How did you get here?” my nephew asked in slight confusion. “By taxi.” I quipped. Right away my sister put her finger to her lips and said “SHHH!”. “I know,” I continued. “Don’t tell anyone.” “No,” she said “You are not allowed to talk like that.” Oh.

Cardinal Sin # 2. Don’t even mention a fabricated scenario of Chillul Shabbos

Grave Sins

·        I recently lost a brother to cancer. He did not even make it to his 55^th birthday. He was an exceptionally devoted son, brother, uncle and wonderful friend to all. He loved and cared for everyone that he came into contact with. It was a huge loss for everyone who knew him, certainly his wife and family. Since he was Niftar there have been 3 births of great nephews, one even born during the Shloshim. Surprisingly, not one of my nephews named their newborn son after him. It wasn’t a coincidence though; there was an actual cheshbon. He was niftar young and he had a hard life, so ‘sigh’ it is not so poshut to give his name. Instead, the right thing to do is name after a Gadol. Aside from being hurt, I am puzzled. Are we supposed to believe that Hashem gave him the Nisyonos; and his job, was just to do his best with what life threw at him? Apparently not. Instead, we are to believe that we can control the future of our children by the names we give them. Perpetuating the legacy of an incredible person who was there for us, is suddenly insignificant when we now have the chance be there for him. Because we can control destiny. Even if it means hurting his Almonoh in the process. We are in control our childrens' fate.

Cardinal Sin # 3. Don’t die young.

The Cleaning Service

·        I was raised knowing that the most important thing you can and are obligated to accomplish is to keep your house ‘spit and polished’. Being a balabusta was the ultimate compliment, and lack thereof, the ultimate insult.  I was quite young, when I overheard the whispers “Her house is neat, but is it clean?!?. And did you see the inside of her closets?!?” I will never forget the shame and degradation that were associated with those words. This lesson was well internalized by my family. Even though I am in my 30’s I know better than to take out a sheet from the linen closet at my parents’ home. I wouldn’t dare risk messing it up. In fact, there is an anecdote in the family that predates my time, but one that I know well. When my sister was in 3^rd grade her teacher gave them time before Pesach to rid the classroom of Chometz. While the girls cleaned the crumbs and snacks out of their cubbies and desks, my sister was busy sweeping-the corners of the classroom. Her teacher asked her why she was doing that, to which she confidently answered “My mother says if the corners of the room are not clean, then the whole room is not clean.” And she continued with her vigorous sweeping.

Cardinal Sin # 4. If your house and closets are not immaculate, you are worthy of being judged and shamed.

Occupational Hazards

·        Close to a decade ago, we applied, as many in our town did, to HUD, http://portal.hud.gov/hudportal/HUD to help pay for our rent. As of late, we are having a hard time making ends meet. It was a wonderful surprise to receive a letter in the mail informing us that we were (finally!) approved for HUD. Upon further studying the income guidelines, we realized that if we were to report all what the agency considered income, we would likely not be eligible for the program. We spoke to numerous people, even asked a couple of Shailos, and were told it was okay. I did not feel comfortable with this. I felt that once you start ‘justifying’ here and there, who knows where that can lead you to? And so we started to explore the options of my husband leaving Kollel. I mentioned this to my mother. “So he will become a Rebbi?” My mother asked. I answered he will likely take a course. “You mean in computers??”

Cardinal Sin # 5. The ends (Torah learning) don't need to justify the means (cheating? lying?). Torah is, indeed, 'de beste sechorah'!

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On the flip side, anything regarding molestation or molesters, not only don’t make it to the top five, it doesn’t make it to the list at all. In fact, the reactions I have received were at best lukewarm and apathetic. Anything pertaining to this topic is to be ignored, and if had to have been mentioned, then at least should have been forgiven already.

For example:

Regarding Brother X

“K, so just because he did that a couple times, it doesn’t mean there is still something wrong with him.” (And the fact that he fled the country because he got in trouble with the law is completely irrelevant, wouldn’t you think.)

“I’ve spoken to a professional, it seems that the recovery process can take up to 5 years. Can you do it any quicker?” (Quite paradoxical. Someone that can put a time limit on recovery, isn’t much of a professional. And they also didn’t mention the recovery process needed for unsupportive family and friends, ‘it seems’.)

“Look at him today, with his long beard and peyos, why are you harping on things from the past?” (Beards grow, if you don’t shave. That’s just part of nature Funny how someone could get so much credit for the absence of doing something.)

And regarding Brother XX

“He completely denied doing anything to you. So what am I supposed to do?” (Be grateful I guess? Can you imagine if he would have admitted it?)

“You know he is ready to forgive you, if you would just apologize to him” (Truth is stranger than fiction, I could not have made that up if I tried. Mind you that was from his wife!)

“I would spend time with you, except he wants to spend time with me then, so I can’t”. (The clincher. I’m learning not to expect anything more from you, Dad.)

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In summation, I once read the following in a book. Little Yankie knows that it is Assur to speak Loshon Hara, and he is also not allowed to play with his mother's camera. But when he tattles on his sister ("Yankie, that is Loshon Hara.") and dunks his mother's camera in the bathtub ("Yankie!!!"), he knows which is worse. Ain't it the truth.
Olam Hafuch Ra'isi. Skewed priorities. Twisted ideologies. All for the sake of right and wrong. But of course.