The 80/20 Rule

A number one piece of advice in the parenting books is the 80/20 rule. It is not a complicated math equation, it is simple, really. For every criticism or negative comment you need to tell your child, be sure that there are four positive comments or compliments that you have said as well. 

This isn't hieroglyphics from psychologists, it is simple to understand the reasoning behind this concept. We all know we love our kids. We feel it deep inside our hearts. But our children don’t know what we feel, they know how we act, more importantly, what we say. If we only communicate to them criticism, even though it is constructive, that is all they have to hold on to. All they believe is that they are not good enough and aren't meeting up to our expectations. This dynamic can lead to feelings of defensiveness. Surely the opposite feeling of being loved and cherished. 

But if we cushion our reproach with compliments and warm words they know how we truly feel about them. They feel secure in the affection bestowed upon them. This will manifest itself in a warm trusting relationship.

I would like to expound on this idea and suggest a similar theme to the Rabbonim in our communities. I have yet to see a Rav condone molestation. Yet, ironically, it feels that Rabbonim are so quick to sign letters, publish Kol Korehs, protecting people ‘accused falsely’ of molesting a child. Any time there is a frum person that makes the news in this venue, there are highly regarded people that quickly come to his defense. And then,more often than not, the ‘victim’ emerges as an abuser.  All we are then left with aside from being disappointed, is a mistrustful feeling towards the Gedolim that backed them.(This is vague and general so as not to stray from the point I wish to make. Rest assured there are real hard facts and stories to back this claim up).

To solve this issue, I would like to propose the 80/20 rule over here.

For every one ‘falsely accused’ molester a Rav knows about and therefore needs to protect, he must condemn four other molesters. There is no dearth of victims around, surely it wouldn't be hard to fill the ratio.  Publicly or privately? That would depend. It should be in the same venue he chooses to stand up for the one he feels falsely accused. 

We can’t know what the Rabbonim feel inside, but surely this rule would make it clear where they stand in helping real victims. 

Unless though, we are supposed to judge them by their actions alone. Doesn't that imply that they are not really out to protect victims? Only predators? This is what is understood by what we see, by the naked eye. 

Unless when they speak about ‘kedusha’ and ‘tznius’ it is meant to be understood hypocritically, not literally. 

Unless their goal here is really to protect an image to what they believe frum communities should look like, not the real truth?

The outcome of the 80/20 rule is trust. Actions that don’t follow this idea, imply otherwise.

We deserve more. It is time for us to respect our leaders for their fear of G-d; for doing what’s right, not popular.We deserve to have leaders that have zero tolerance towards molesters instead of creating a safe haven for them. 

Most of all, we deserve to hear the words of “V’hayah Machanecha Kadosh” uttered to mean what they were truly meant to. 

 Inspired by tonight's Asifa in Lakewood NJ entitled "V'Hayah Machanecha Kadosh"
http://www.thelakewoodscoop.com/news/2014/09/thousands-attend-lakewood-tznius-asifa.html