Sunday, December 29, 2013

'Just Musing' thought of the week

For all those who think that we are completely influenced by the Goyim, fret not! 
We have a long way to go!
A child molester in prison needs a cell with security, because even lowlife prisoners know what they did was unacceptable and may kill him. 
But us? We show utter respect to these people and treat them in the highest regard!
Mavdil Min Hatoyim. Indeed.

Wishful Thinking

    Just the other day, a genie approached me and granted me three wishes. It was my chance to ask for unlimited money and Kochos to help all poor people and Yeshivos in Klal Yisroel. A third wish to be used for all Tinokos Shel Bais Rabban to go B’derech Hayashar and become true Ovdei Hashem. So many wonderful possibilities to help my fellow Yidden. But he caught me in a bad time. I was feeling fully enraged and revengeful. I was in a really foul mood.

Before I publicize my wishes, I want to make a disclaimer. Anyone who doesn’t want to Chas V’shalom read anything that comes from a place of bad Middos (Lo Aleinu) should stop reading right here and pick up on this blog next week for a new post. This article is not for you.
   

 Almost automatically, I was transported to the place I just can’t seem to get out of, no matter how hard I try. My mind was flooded again with the thoughts of what that guy did when he used me. Suddenly I was fed up. I had enough of this. I decided this is what I was going to act upon and use my wishes for.

   I believe were I to ask a Shailah, I would have been advised that in the grand scheme of things of what can be accomplished with this wonderful opportunity, wouldn’t this be a waste? Besides, wouldn't the Schar of being Maaver Al Midosai, of putting my own stance aside to help others, be a more genuine feeling of accomplishment? One that would not be fleeting? I’m sure I would have agreed, but at the moment I was feeling too selfish to care.
   

 The genie told me to take my time to think it over. This was a rare, one time occurrence and should definitely be used in a wise and thought out manner. I’m sure subconsciously I agreed with him, but my impulsivity took over. (Another bad Middah that Yiddishkeit-sensitive people shouldn’t be reading about.) I so desperately wanted to do something to end the misery I was feeling. And even if it meant to blow a lifetime opportunity, so be it.

    I quickly told him I was ready when he was. Okay, he said. Shoot. 

“Well” I cleared my throat, “here is the list.


1. Anytime Oisoi Ha’Ish gets called up to an Aliya L’Torah, it should be with his full title.” I could sense the confusion, so I hurried to clarify. “Y’know, the Gabbai will call him up as ‘Yaamod Harav Hamenuval… ben….’
2. Whenever he leaves his house, he will be obligated to wear a patch on his outermost garment. Bold readable letters should be printed on it stating: I MOLESTED A CHILD.
3. I want to steal from him. To take revenge from what he robbed from me. It’s not his money that I want. I won’t take a cent from that immoral, depraved, filthy, and selfish being. But I want everyone to see who he really is, because I know. I saw him in his true essence one time too many. And even one time would be too many, yet he still didn’t stop there. So I want to
confiscate every single pair of pants and underwear that he owns. This way he can’t cover up what his real animalistic desires are and fool everyone with his devout looking, (and absolutely superfluous) Hasidic garb.”


    The genie scribbled down the rest of my words and told me that it can take up to 24 hours to process my request and he was on his way. It was a big shame that my alarm clock rang before he had a chance to even come back…

So that’s it, folks. My dream of exposing him was over. Gone in the way of so many other crumbled dreams in the past. Now all I am left with is the unjustified responsibility of protecting a guy that doesn’t deserve protection. Not from his family, not from his community and certainly not from me.


What a bummer.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

'Just Musing' thought in middle of the week

The difference between a competent therapist and a caring friend is as follows:

When you mention "I'm hurting inside" with a soft smile on your face,
a friend will see and admire the strength of your smile 
whereas
a  therapist will hear and appreciate the strongness of your pain.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

'Just Musing' thought of the week

"I used to think that being molested defined me. I know now that it doesn't. It does however affect every single aspect of my life."

Kidney,anyone?

Simanei Yisrael ….. Rachmanim, Gomlei Chasadim. Yidden are special. The connection we feel with one another and the caring that is shown towards each other is indescribable. There are no other people in the world like us.

From the businessman who was audited because the amount of money he reported that he gave to charity (the IRS thought it was fraud) to the organizations. And what organizations! For sick people, there is Hatzala and Bikur Cholim, and all the organizations to help people with cancer R’L and other terminal illnesses. For poor people, there is Tomchei Shabbos, and organizations to help with Brissim, Bar Mitzvas, Chasunos, and Levayos.

 And then there are communities with Chaveirim and Shomrim, and free loan Gemachim. Gemachim! That would require an article all by itself. Lists and lists in every Frum community. From gowns for your simcha, to clowns that make others B’simcha, from tangible goods to intangible services, it can boggle the mind how virtually no area has been left out. If there is a need, there is a gemach to help.

The concepts for each one are all so different but there is one common denominator that unites each and every organization and Gemach. That is the Yiddishe Hartz, and the genuine desire to give. Mi K’amchah Yisrael!

I was thinking about this the other day. With the launching of ObamaCare, health insurance has become a rising concern. We are all equally befuddled on what the advantages are of the mandatory government insurance. But one thing we are very clear on, the rising costs that are coming out of our pockets. And the fine print about what each policy doesn’t cover anymore is equally disconcerting. And I was wondering how can I, a concerned member of Klal Yisrael, help my fellow brethren?

Thus the idea of a novel service, an innovative Gemach, was born. I am offering to do any surgery that someone would need (and I hope you should never need it Chas V’Shalom) right here in my home. I will do anything, from pulling a tooth, or setting a broken bone, even putting in a stent to unclog a valve of the heart. I won’t charge for my services and no job will be too big or too small. It will be a pure Chessed to help those in need.

You might be baffled on how I can do something like this. But think about it for a second, I never went to medical school, so I don’t have any tuition debt that I have to pay up. A kitchen knife, a standard hammer, and a utility scissors-I have those tools in my house already. I don’t have to invest in any expensive medical equipment. I have no overhead costs to cover; it won’t cost me a cent. That is how I plan on committing to such a huge undertaking and passing it on free of charge.

One disclaimer I will issue; I don’t know the difference between the stomach and liver. I know a heart has four valves, but I've never seen a real one. In fact, I’ve actually never seen any organ that is inside the human body. But I do have one thing going for me. I want to help people and I really mean well. Fatal risks involved? Likely. But I can assure you that there will be no 'arois gevarfena gelt. involved, whatsoever.

Now obviously I made up this whole ridiculous story to prove a point, and here it is.

There are many people around; sometimes it is a concerned neighbor or friend, sometimes even an upstanding member of the community, who give of their precious time to others. They will provide a listening ear to the Tzaros that people go through. They offer Eitzos and Hadracha culled from their Seichel Hayashar, often basing it on their Torah Hashkafa.

Do they understand trauma? No. What about abuse? Not that either. So much so that they don’t even understand why people spend hundreds of hours training in these fields. Its arois gevarfene gelt. They can do it for free. They know how to be available all the time; they know how to be sympathetic; they know Sifrei Mussar; they know better.

The risks involved? Equally as fatal as me providing surgery. But I would be considered an Achzar, they, Tzaddikim. Make no mistake. It is one and the same.

If you do not have training in trauma, you don’t know what you are doing. Do a real Chessed for the ones who are hurting, leave it to the professionals to do the job required to help and heal the unfortunate victim. You need to understand that you don’t understand, that this is something deeper and more far reaching than you can imagine. Have the strength and humility to recognize that you need to refer to someone who is trained to deal with this. Don’t just say you really care, even though that is how you feel, do something that shows you really do. Be honest with yourself so that you can be honest with others.

I’ll admit my lack of experience and therefore won’t operate on you. I deserve the same treatment in return.


Sunday, December 15, 2013

'Just Musing' thought of the week

"When you realize nobody is home, you stop knocking on the door."

Why I Write


To the one who abused me,
                Whose actions prove
that he doesn’t regret it.
To my family,
                Whose reactions confirm
that they just don’t get it.
To my friends,
                Whose dissatisfactions show,
and wish I’d forget it-
That is why I write.
For the Rabbi,
               Who won’t listen to words
for fear of slander.
For the Lecturer,
   Who equates victimization with stomach illness
declared in candor.
For the communities,
                Who raise Tzedaka for molesters,
not the innocent bystander-
That is why I write.

They are all united:
With their persistence,
In their resistance
To my own existence-
           Still I am right.

They share one goal:
To deny the truth,
By erasing my youth
In ways so uncouth-
Still I am right.

And I do not expect:
Anyone of them to read,
Nor my words to heed.
Though they think they succeed-
         Still I will write.
Postscript

(To the one that I married,
               Who will always stand by
through thick and thin.
To my therapist,
               Who believes in me
           that ultimately I can win.
And to a mere few others,
               One who is a Rabbi,
           the other being a cousin-

That is how I write!)

Monday, December 9, 2013

Bits and Pieces



Have been told
that I have
a heart of gold

I would wonder
solid or gold plated?
my heart thereunder.

The thought sat still
Until clarity hit
and explain I will

It’s solid!

Realized with a start
Cuz now that it is broken
It is a heavy heart.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

How well can you put you foot in your mouth?

Having dealt with numerous people, all well-meaning, most not well-understanding, I've heard lots of advice and comments. And so, I'll put the challenge out to you:
Which comments would you deem as hurtful? 
v“You can’t tell anyone what he did.”
v“We love you, you are part of our family! but you have to realize that we also don’t want to lose him as a brother.”
v“He really did that to you? He must have changed since.”
v“I was told that recovery takes numerous years and hard work in therapy and I understand that 100%. Could you do it any quicker?”
v“Since it is 2 sides in the family, the family can’t get involved. I feel very relieved about this decision and maybe I will finally be able to sleep tonight.”
v“I appreciate your consideration in requesting permission before telling me what he did to you.. For now I'll have you just stick to the feelings, not the facts..”
v“You have to pick your battles and give in, you can’t attend all the family Simchos.”
v“It is interesting that you think he is a pedophile. There is much discussion in psychology about what he did, if [such people] are really considered sick.” 
v“Forgive me for the terrible things I did to you and (our brother) will have a baby and Totty and Mommy will be healthy in that Zechus.”
v“How long will it take for you to recover? Are you sure your therapist is doing a good job?”
v“If you Chas Vshalom make it public you are a Rotzeach.”
v“I really have rachmonus on him. You know he had such a hard life. My heart bleeds for him.”
v“When you get married, don’t ever tell anyone what happened to you.”
v“You have to understand, that because he is my brother and we share the same last name, if it becomes public you are besmirching my name, and I have kids to marry off.”
v“You have to take his wife and kids into consideration. What did they do wrong?”

'Just Musing' thought of the week

"Sometimes you stop fighting. Not because you are a loser but because they are."

Thursday, December 5, 2013

'Im ain ani li mi li?'



‘Been abused too’ posed a valid question-
 "Can a child molestor do teshuvah, and how should they do it?”
The truth is this question should not be coming from a victim, not from me or you, but from the molester himself. If a molester can own up to what he did, and take responsibility for what he did with sincere regret, he will do whatever it takes to do Teshuva. The Torah is complete and multi faceted. There is a solution for any issue that we have that is not a chiddush. Will he get Kapporah? We all know that comes from Hashem and is irrelevant and unknown to us.
And why wouldn’t it be the same 4 steps of Teshuvah like any other Avairah?
·         Vidui- to admit explicitly what they did and the irreparable damage that they caused
·         Charatah- can’t be alone needs some constructive action-of
·          Azivas hachait, this is an illness so they would need to GO FOR HELP (illnesses don’t cure themselves, ever!)
·          Kabalah al ha’asid—they should be afraid of themselves at what they could do and do whatever it takes for them to be in control of themselves. We shouldn’t have to be afraid of them anymore!
The question might be if from a psychological point of view they can become a non-molester. Research has show that a molester has to want to change and go to intense therapy for it like any other mental illness. The reality is that unstable people won’t help themselves precisely because of their instability.
But all this a distraction from the real issue at hand.
                The real Teshuva that has to be done to help correct the situation has to come from ourselves, regardless of whether they repent or not.
Pedophiles won’t own up to their actions, like any other ill mind. While some mentally ill people, look unwell and people know to stay away from them, a molester can look like any normal person and at the same time be very harmful to society. Coupled with the fact that the damage itself cannot be outwardly seen, this causes people to feel helpless; realizing that this is something that is very much out of their control, and cannot be prevented.
 It is an extremely disconcerting issue. Nobody likes to feel powerless over a harmful situation that affects them. And yes, the most we can do is give our kids the knowledge of what’s right and wrong behavior, and cannot change the wrong behavior that can be done. But should we take the approach of the ‘let’s close our eyes and nothing will happen’? We will ‘allow’ the molesters to do ‘Teshuvah’ and give them guidelines just how to, and then we, the community, will forgive them?
This sounds so virtuous, altruistic and Jewish! A chessed to help others that harmed us get better. In essence, it has nothing to do with Hashem or the laws He gave us to follow! There is nothing Jewish about this approach. It’s ludicrous!
We have no obligation to control other people’s actions but we are obligated to take care of ourselves.
 It is scary that we cannot prevent the harm, but that is also the reality. And accepting the situation is the only way it can be dealt with. No one else’s Teshuvah is in our hands, and is definitely not part of the solution to the molestation issue we are dealing with. It is time for us to do Teshuvah and handle this unfortunate situation correctly.
We have to educate and empower our children by giving them the knowledge about this terrible wrong. We need to give them the awareness so they will know to protect themselves. We have to keep them safe so that they will not become victims themselves.
That is where we are lacking. That is what we need to correct. That is Teshuvah!
Yiddishe people have no qualms talking to their children about robbers, even though it is an ‘avairah to steal’. What is this any different? We must protect ourselves from other’s wrongdoings even though they shouldn’t be doing them.
 I cannot prevent molesters from harming my children rachmanah litzlan, but I can educate my children about molestation awareness and appropriate behavior.
I also have my son lock his bike. He knows it is not in my power to stop someone from being a robber, yet that does not absolve us from taking as much precaution possible to keep it safe.
A bike gets only a lock, a house has an alarm system, what are we doing for the most precious and valuable thing we have, our children’s physical and emotional well being???

Sunday, December 1, 2013

'Just Musing' thought of the week

" When you use the present to refine you, 
      then your past need not not define you."

Acharei Rabim...

ARE THE MASSES ALWAYS RIGHT?
The story of חנוכה teaches us many important lessons. Some of them we can learn from the תפילה of על הנסים.
For example, if you are supposed to do the right thing, then it doesn’t matter if most people don’t agree with you. Yidden will do it anyways. Like we say, it was רבים ביד מעטים. Or, when your principles are being compromised then you need to fight to preserve them. Regardless of the enemy’s strength or lack of yours. גבורים ביד חלשים. And ultimately, the truth, no matter how obscure it may seem, is what we stand for: רשעים ביד צדיקים.
What if the odds are stacked against you? If you are doing the will of ה', then with His help, you will prevail. ואתה... עמדת להם בעת צרתם.
Can we apply this lesson today? What are you supposed to do when you are right, and people still condemn you? Can one person’s opinion be valid, be אמת, when so many others think otherwise?
I struggle with this a lot. As a victim of abuse in the Frum community, there are pitifully few, if any, that will listen to my story; validate the pain and anguish I suffer on a very real level.
Time and again, I am told to get over it already. I am told to be מוחל, to forgive and forget and let bygones be bygones. I hear advice on how to be דן לכף זכות and to be מעביר על מדותי. I am reproached about speaking לשון הרע, and cautioned of the עבירה of bearing a grudge. I am warned about ruining someone’s reputation should my story become public, and of the unforgivable sin of a חילול ה'.
The pressure and power they wield against me is relentless. Their arguments are forceful. Their grievances are strong and their words are accusatory. Are they right?
There are some supportive people, who understand me. Alas, they are not Frum anymore. But I feel like I don’t belong with them! Or do I?
The denial in the Frum community is so so strong. I understand it. We are an עם קדוש. We are a nation of ביישנים, defined by our strict adherence to the laws and boundaries the תורה commands us. Abusers don’t represent us. But there is real abuse in our community. You can try to deny an idea but a reality can’t be denied. I am real and my pain is very real. I am living proof that abuse exists! Yet I am being rejected by the people I love; the people who love me.
I can relate to the מכבים. I can associate with the feeling of being outnumbered, and overpowered. But do I have their hope and conviction to do stand up for what’s right? I’m not sure. Is it fair that the battle that I wage is against my own people?
I’m a lone fragile voice. And I’m struggling. I’m calling “מי לה' אלי.” Will anyone heed my cry?



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